POSTS
11/14/22
To you
It took me maybe a year to write this. Just it has taken about a year to process, learn, grow, and move forward.
You, my friend, you avoided so many aspects to what you were feeling and going through. And as the year and so much time moved forward there were things, big events and experiences, that happened - yet ones that happened without you. Well without the full you present. Your support wasn’t there, and your mind and heart were somewhere else. Where were you? Why couldn’t you be here. I feel like I really needed you.
Bu that said, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything you did to me. How you made me feel and all the things you did wrong. All the devastating and heartbreaking things you said. How could you be that cruel?
I understand you went through a lot in the time - abuse, neglect, trauma, so much loss. But it shouldn’t have to have been an excuse to ignore what was going on around you. You should’ve explained yourself. Talked it out. Been communicative. Been kinder.
You should’ve told me you were sorry.
Yet… you have.
A year later you have begun to.
You, Bella, you have allowed yourself to continue to learn and grow. And though you weren’t fully present for some of the biggest experiences, your mind was processing, and your heart was feeling some of the strongest feelings you’ve ever felt.
And while you did many things wrong, you did the truest right, by forgiving yourself for the things you did wrong to not just yourself but to the others.
Yes still you were cruel. The cruelest you’ve ever been maybe.. With mental and physical scars to prove it. The things you went through, abuse, trauma, and ultimate loss - you still learned to see the world for what it was around you. You explained and talked it out to yourself, everything, all of it, in every possible way you could. You talked to your therapist. Talked through all angles. You talked to your family, cousins, friends, leaders - people who knew your story and people who didn’t - you had your “50,000 coaches” and you listened to all that they had to say. And you read books, listened to podcasts, you made yourself aware to how you could put yourself in others shoes.
You learned that ever present lesson, importantly, by fully taking in every day and day by day - what it is to the best possible communicator.
So now, over a year later, you have said your sorry. Whether or not you deserved everything that happened to you my friend, you do deserve a chance to start again. To move forward and to move on.
I hope you do.
To you
It took me maybe a year to write this. Just it has taken about a year to process, learn, grow, and move forward.
You, my friend, you avoided so many aspects to what you were feeling and going through. And as the year and so much time moved forward there were things, big events and experiences, that happened - yet ones that happened without you. Well without the full you present. Your support wasn’t there, and your mind and heart were somewhere else. Where were you? Why couldn’t you be here. I feel like I really needed you.
Bu that said, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything you did to me. How you made me feel and all the things you did wrong. All the devastating and heartbreaking things you said. How could you be that cruel?
I understand you went through a lot in the time - abuse, neglect, trauma, so much loss. But it shouldn’t have to have been an excuse to ignore what was going on around you. You should’ve explained yourself. Talked it out. Been communicative. Been kinder.
You should’ve told me you were sorry.
Yet… you have.
A year later you have begun to.
You, Bella, you have allowed yourself to continue to learn and grow. And though you weren’t fully present for some of the biggest experiences, your mind was processing, and your heart was feeling some of the strongest feelings you’ve ever felt.
And while you did many things wrong, you did the truest right, by forgiving yourself for the things you did wrong to not just yourself but to the others.
Yes still you were cruel. The cruelest you’ve ever been maybe.. With mental and physical scars to prove it. The things you went through, abuse, trauma, and ultimate loss - you still learned to see the world for what it was around you. You explained and talked it out to yourself, everything, all of it, in every possible way you could. You talked to your therapist. Talked through all angles. You talked to your family, cousins, friends, leaders - people who knew your story and people who didn’t - you had your “50,000 coaches” and you listened to all that they had to say. And you read books, listened to podcasts, you made yourself aware to how you could put yourself in others shoes.
You learned that ever present lesson, importantly, by fully taking in every day and day by day - what it is to the best possible communicator.
So now, over a year later, you have said your sorry. Whether or not you deserved everything that happened to you my friend, you do deserve a chance to start again. To move forward and to move on.
I hope you do.
The feeling of unfeelingThe feeling of unfeeling 12/12/21 (This is a bitch post Im sorry and Im sorry my last post before this was also about holiday depression but u know what keeksters, it helps to write what you're going through sometimes.. I don't make the rules So I don't know what it is about the holidays. Or maybe the fact that it is in fact dead week again for me (dead week being finals week for grad school).. I dont know. Yet it feels like school is the most important/ one of the only things I have right now, It's been hard to remember theres more. And so speaking of “feels” -- this is yes indeed your annual SAD post. I felt I needed to blog about it as it has been much harder this year than past ones. And “feeling” p much anything is something that has been heavily lacking lately. Which may sound shocking coming from the person who usually probably feels the most, says the most, cries the most, out of anyone else in the room. All that is gone right now and while its a newer “feeling” (idk what to even call it since its technically not a feeling).. its incredibly unfamiliar to me. The numbness. The carelessness. The nothing. Im not used to it at all. Because outside of feeling so many emotions I also normally care SO much. About a plethora of things. & people who know me know I have passion for a lot of things. -- But with seasonal depression taking a roundhouse kick to my head this year in early October, all the feeling was and is essentially gone. And not only that, but the nothingness comes additionally with other challenges for me this season. It's been extremely difficult living in a bigger space alone. Not having the family dog around this winter. AND importantly, not having the solid support system of people I felt I once did. Its a damage, a loneliness, a numbness, and an absolute tragedy I wouldn't wish on ANYONE. I swear I am falling while simultaneously screaming out, yet no one can hear me. But anyways, outside the dramatics^ (at least she can write about how she's feeling? lol) Im writing this little blurb about the numbness and other side affects that come with SAD, so that in case any of “my readers” (lol) if they experience any of this too, they can maybe understand that they’re not alone. Because heres little old me who is going through the same. The same constant tiredness (I’ve never napped so much in my life.. its normally not my thing but I guess it is now), the irritability, the missing appetite (thats a new one) (not mad about it tho), the lack of energy levels (that yea even a venti cold brew with an extra doubleshot cant adjust..trust me, wild I know), the sadness/the dread/the constant existential question of wondering if life is worth living?? - any of it. So if you’re going through ANY extra hard S.A.D stuff this year (or at any point) Im with you. I got you. Who knows, maybe its the addition of also covid?? I don’t know. Nor do I care (remember?) But what I do know is that if you’re struggling a lot with this shiz like I am, I think we should stick through it, you know..mutually. (I'll hug u thru the computer screen) Above all else, know that I hear you, I see you, I can empathize with you. And while I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life, I know its not true. I have my handy dandy therapist (she understood the assignment) and I got my fam bam, and my “50,000 coaches” (IYKYK) ( special shoutout to my cousins and my key ladies (thanks L + J). In the end, I also know that the “feeling of unfeeling” isn’t forever. You kinda get used to the repetitiveness of it all, but when you do get to feel a certain type of way, however briefly, you know all of those other feelings are real and they will come back. "you will reach up and you will rise again." you’ll feel again. That much I do know. Can't wait until winter solstice ends so the sunlight comes back!!! Happy Holidays! 12/2/20
The holidays are already quite hard for some people. This year makes it harder. The 2020 holiday season has begun, and for many, it looks a lot different this year. We have a pandemic that in the United States especially, has not gotten any better. This means that for almost everyone, there will be a variation or change in original holiday plans. And this is difficult. Especially those who are used to spending these days with their family or extended family. Because we want to keep others safe, we’re advised not to go out, not to fly anywhere, and to keep our gatherings to a minimum. Its a big adjustment for a lot of people, and many people Im sure are feeling a wide range of emotions as we try to process what very “family-oriented” holidays are going to be like, without all of our participating family. The Old Normal For some, the holidays in general already are hard to deal with. Normally, for many of those who suffer from SAD (or Seasonal Affect Disorder), those diagnosed, started feeling down before the seasonal months of November and December. And often times started to feel symptoms (such as an increased sadness, dread, and depression) as early as September or October. SAD reactions, means that when the weather/ season specifically begins to shift, and daylight begins to become more scarce, those who suffer with depression disorders specifically, have a very hard time functioning, and also have to try extra hard to find light in most day to day things. Many will increase their doses of medicines around the holidays, while others (like me), rely heavily on extended therapy, mediation, exercise, spending time with pets - and other various crutches that help ease that heavy darkness that is often looming AND that often time lasts much longer than wanted. The New Normal Yet, like aforementioned, we are in the midst of an ongoing pandemic. Meaning we can’t really go anywhere or see many people. How does this affect those with SAD disorder or with Seasonal Depression, differently? Many of the crutches outside those previously mentioned are things like spending time with others, daily activities, frequent doctor or counselor visits, outdoor activities, and even various indoor activities. Distractions. And yet, a ton of these usual distractions are unavailable right now. For me, a huge part of my happiness stems from family. Getting to see my grandma or my little cousins. However, because of the ongoing pandemic, all of these interactions + family time, is incredibly stunted. Pandemic Fatigue Further, there are still many, especially many people in the younger age group (aged 18-25ish), who act as if there ISN'T an ongoing pandemic. And therefore want to continue to act like the rules don’t apply to them. Whether they go to outdoor bars or restaurants, big parties, weddings, or spend time in big gatherings, they are putting others at risk in the process. Trust me, I understand more than anyone how much we want to go out and do these things. Like many, I missed graduations, birthdays, weddings, and much more - because of the pandemic. And even further, if you’re in school like me, you want to go to school-related events, parties, gatherings, the like, to meet new people etc. ! I get it! I myself have been inside (aka doing almost nothing outside of maybe random Kroger trips, since around mid-March 2020. ) So pandemic fatigue is a very real thing that I understand is causing many people to hit a wall and to want and start to break a couple rules in order to feel small jolts of happiness again. It's understandable. What now? My therapist knows I already have an exceedingly difficult time around the holidays. I told her how this year is even harder because the house I grew up celebrating Christmas in, with all my cousins and friends, is now sold, as my Aunt and Uncle moved north. Making Christmas-eve traditions now forever changed for me. So with this, the pandemic, and regular crippling sadness around the holidays - I have to try even harder to make the holidays happy and cheery. Those with depression know what I mean when I say we have to try, like really try, so hard to make ourselves feel like a normal regular amount of happiness on a daily basis. It takes so much work just to feel good and get through the day feeling relatively ok. So this year, my therapist recommended to me that I really embrace the holidays and everything surrounding them (food, decorations, music, movies,) essentially everything that you can still do safely during the pandemic. She said I basically have to throw myself into it. Because my personal scale is extremely unbalanced. So I either do this or suffer the alternative, which will be absolutely miserable crippling despair and sadness. For me there isn’t really an in-between, especially this year and here and now. So as I try to embrace the 2020 Christmas season, even though I often can’t help but think about how we won’t be at my aunt and uncles and we wont have a big family Christmas this year, there won’t be lots of shopping, seeing the big tree in Downtown Detroit when I got home, ice skating, hanging with friends-- the whole 9.. ALTHOUGH all that stuff isn’t really possible this year and “home for the holidays” takes on a whole new meaning, Im still going to continue to try and check in with loved ones. We have to hold on Apart from the fantastic news of a new incoming administration, we have hope for a vaccine roll out and hope that things will again return back to the old normal. But until then, we have to hold on. These actions are going to take time, but if we work together, we can hopefully make it through this national emergency, so that we can be reunited with loved ones. However, in the meantime... Make sure your friends (and family) are ok. Because like I said, the holidays already can be a very difficult time for some, whether they lost a family member or friend, can’t be with certain loved ones, or suffer from a mental illness... we HAVE TO keep being there for one another. The alternatives are much worse. Below Im going to list some things I’ll be doing that are COVID SAFE and that you too can do to still try and spread holiday cheer not only for yourself but also for those around you. At the end of the day, your own health (and especially your mental health) are so important. We have to do what we can to stay (and feel) alive. I’d love for you to text or call me to check in, as I hope to do with others! This year is unlike any other I’ve had in my own lifetime. But it doesn’t mean we won’t get through it. In any and all ways that we best can. Things to do safely for the 2020 holiday season -Decorate your surroundings! -Make homemade holiday decorations with craft supplies and watch videos or tutorials on how to get crafty and creative. - Write letters! -This is a favorite for me. Most people I know LOVE receiving a letter just checking in with them. This is great way to spend free time, improve on your writing skills (lol), and make someone else smile. -Cook and BAKE! -Go to the store (safely) and get ingredients to try out a new recipe! Whether it be baking holiday-related goods or cooking a new delicious meal, this is a great way to spend time at home (and you always feel proud afterwards that you worked and were able to build something yourself). -Play online/virtual games with friends! -Call an old friend and catch up! (Again, another one that always makes you feel better after the fact). -Bundle up and go for a stroll in the park. (Being in an outdoor open space is much safer than being at an indoor workout facility). National Coffee Day 2020,
Don't give up on the things you really love #NationalCoffeeDay 2020 aka when Coffee got personal Ok so this is gunna be cheesy but on this #NationalCoffeeDay I wanted to share something. I’ve always had a really special relationship with coffee. Many of my friends know that I was an iced coffee FIEND in undergrad. I was gold status at ole bucks, meaning I could get free refills whenever I wanted, leading me to get at least 4 (sometimes 5) iced coffees a day. I love it. Whether iced, piping hot, or my fave, I LOVED trying new brews, esp from local places. -- However, in the winter of 2019, my anxiety (turned panic disorder), was at an all time high. And my ic’s, what had normally been the best part of my days and a small pleasure I loved so much most, had to disappear... I would only be able to have a few sips from there on out, because otherwise I would start to panic. I.E. I would have heart palpitations. Shortness of breath. You know the deal. So from January of 2019 until only just a few months ago, I stopped drinking it altogether. Yet I found myself to really start missing it. Like terribly. — I was able to supplement it with other beverages for awhile; but I still always felt like something was missing with it and I definitely was jealous, whenever my friends would get to order or have it and I couldn’t. However, as crazy as it sounds, my therapist knew how much I loved it. How I used to pound an iced coffee with soy and another one and another. And if it was something I loved, and could once enjoy, why give it up, instead to trying to get it back?? She said that I shouldn’t let my anxiety (or my brain essentially), say that I couldn’t have it, just because I had 1 or 2 bad experiences with it. During those times, anxiety was at fault, not the coffees. And so she told me then and there that right after our session, I had to go buy one. She said to just let the all the usual panic feelings happen. Don’t move. Do something distracting, get work done, but no matter what, don’t let it overtake me and instead think about enjoying my alternative milk choices(lol) and my favorite flavors and everything else that I really loved about it. — And what do you know! I got through it!! And I was so proud of that, I just couldn’t believe it. I genuinely thought I’d ever be able to have enough of it again. And as time went on, I was able to tolerate more and more. Finally now, old coffee addict Bella is back (lol well almost)—- I missed iced coffee more than almost anything. But this whole story got me to thinking... If you really love something, don't let it go. Like if you really enjoy it, yet have a bad experience with it.. it doesn’t mean you should have to completely let it go. Like for example, just because a boy/girl, or a bad friend you may think maybe spoiled something you took pleasure in: maybe like a song you once liked, (or even a whole album). Or maybe you won’t drive a certain way or route because it reminds you of someone, yet you once enjoyed that drive. Or maybe you won’t go somewhere or do something because you think it will hurt too much. But if you can ultimately push through the negative feelings of it, let them wash over you, you might get back to enjoying those things again. You might be able to enjoy something again that you once really loved. Don’t give up on it. And it might take time, but you could learn to love it again. The human mind and better yet human emotions themselves, are always transitioning and changing. Don’t let people or things, or in my case, your mind, be your enemy. Let it instead better help you to understand the things you know you were missing, to ultimately reunite yourself with the things you love most. WHERE WE ARE AND WHERE WE MUST GO
“Clouds come floating into life, no longer to carry the rain or usher the storm, but to add color to the sunset sky” These pasts years have held successes for the LQBTQ+ community. Colleges and communities across the nation have joined hands in continuing to accept and acknowledge this community. Companies are taking a stand with the more honorable ones donating their pride merchandise funds to causes and organizations that benefit the LQBTQ+ community. The first openly trans candidate was elected in Virginia, the first openly gay governor elected in Colorado, and the first gay man was announced as a democratic presidential nominee. It’s beautiful to see how far this community has come. — But with all this being said, we know that we still have a ways to go. Our president and parts of our government continue to belittle and exclude this community from the national conversation. And on top of Trumps Trans military ban, DeVoss continues to effortlessly rollback Obama era laws, which allowed continual acceptance of LGBTQ+ (specifically trans) youth in our nations schools. And I know that there is even so much more injustice, happening within the laws and the rulings in our government. ———— Yet almost worst of all there are still hate crimes and attacks on this community every day, and there are still children taking their lives, because they are too scared to live in a world that they think will not accept them. Do your best to understand this commmunity and hear what they have to say. Be an ally but also remember to listen. Take action in any way that you can, and please PLEASE speak up if you see or hear bigotry around you. For more information or a place to start, I’ve listed some references (just a few I’m sure there’s so many more) that make it their mission to help the LGBTQ+ community and the LGBTQ+ youth. —Continue to celebrate but also to participate!!!! National center for transgender equality https://transequality.org Championing LGBTQ+ in K12 education https://www.glsen.org National queer and trans therapists of color network https://nqttcn.com the Trevor project https://www.thetrevorproject.org The “It Gets Better” Project https://itgetsbetter.org Pride this year in Indianapolis was wonderful. Lizzo and her words of self-love and acceptance were wonderful. And it was exhilarating to see such a beautiful and open community come together to celebrate one another. However, we must remember (as Liz reminded us), that we have to continue to vote and elect people that will take into account the issues that matter for the people of this country who also matter. I’m so grateful for all that I’ve learned so far from both the community as whole but also more importantly my amazing LGBTQ+ friends I’ve become close with over the years (and whom I’m exceedingly proud of). I will continue to stand proud while also acknowledging that we are not finished yet. We must continue to preach that above all, we must work to insure that love, inclusion, and equality, will win. Become comfortable with being uncomfortable |
I believe this is a very very important concept and mantra. I felt as if there were times in my early college life where I wanted to stay in my comfort zone. Talk to the same people I knew. Do the same things I did. Maybe do new fun things every now and then - but mostly just work on trying to steer clear of danger, difference, transitions, or controversy.
But I found that as I went on in my comfortable spaces, I was beginning to feel like things weren’t always adding up. Things weren’t getting done. Things weren't being said.
Yet, I saw those around me with powerful voices, begin to speak up on issues they believed in. And I applauded them for it. But I was always insecure in many ways both outwardly but also in my thoughts and emotions. I would stay quiet on things even though I knew they were wrong. I would notice my health deteriorating, but continue to do nothing to fix it. And I noticed that if my friends or family had an issue or even a confrontation ensued- I took the comfortable way out and chose to ignore it or push it away.
(Now you may think these things just comes with age sure, but I remember thinking I was so old and profound etc. when I was 19 but looking back now, I know I acted like a child so.. hmm..)
But continuing, I soon found out that if I kept going in the direction I was, that this was going to be a very unsuccessful way to live my life. I think I maybe knew I had the "you'll learn to be a leader" mentality in me all along, it just took me awhile to see it. And when things came crumbling down in so many areas of my life sophomore year, I decided that I needed to take things into my own hands.
Of course the first thought was that I just knew it was going to be so painfully uncomfortable at times. I was so worried I wouldn’t be able to handle the heat. But I still saw strong women and strong independent people around me standing up and speaking out and it gave me the courage to step up as well. As sophomore year closed and junior year neared, I finally realized I needed to make some life changes. For my physical and mental health and my safety. For my family and for my friends. But most importantly for me. And for my happiness.
So beginning Junior year I became a tour guide for my university. This is something I never before could ever see myself doing. And now with almost 2 years under my belt, I’ve led and spoke on tours with close to over 200 visitors and I’ve raised my voice on new ideas and initiatives for our office.
I began to work on projects and in groups where we could build new ways of learning for our school (the media school). But even better I moved out of the box. Not only did I work on projects for the surrounding communities, but also communities in different countries! Taking the steps to travel out of the country and partake in these cool projects brought me so much joy and happiness. Comfortable for me would be doing only trips with family or close to home maybe to all the places you’ve been before. Out-of-the-box is going to a place for 2 weeks where they speak little to no English alongside 12 people you’ve never met.
And I finally took huge steps in beginning to stand up and speak out for causes I believed in. I joined a political campaign to try and draw attention to important issues in the community. I also throughout the years attended panels, shows, events, rallies, protests, speaker series, and so much more. And it is illuminating my mind to learn so many new things every day. I began to speak my mind on my social media platforms, which I knew might stir up uncomfortable feelings amongst some of my friends and family who I know hold views different than my own.
And though at times it seemed like endless argument, I learned to never let the conversation on my end, conclude without a message of love, acceptance, guidance, or comprise. I felt as if I was being a leader in so many ways - even if that meant just small steps outside of my own comfort zone.
However I wasn’t done being uncomfortable just yet. as junior year came to a close I knew deep down that I was still neglecting my health in some aspects. I knew deep down this was (is) one of those journeys that is never going to be easy or free, but just hopefully one that would get better each day. When senior year rolled around I was getting ready to take on my last year in confidence.
Yet while continuously focusing heavily on my leadership or academic roles, I knew I still never felt fully secure in my body, my mentality, and some of my relationships. I had already been on the mental health journey for so long that I was beginning to give up again in some areas. Putting it last on my plate as I often let other areas of my life take the spotlight. Yet it always came creeping back up. So I took another big leap recently to go on another trial run for securing aspects of my mental health, and work in ways that could help get my mind get into a better place.
And there were many times it was beyond uncomfortable.
In fact it was excruciating at times. Hadn’t I already done all this? For the past few months I always did the lazy or easy way out. But I knew I had to get uncomfortable again or I would be stuck in a loop of feeling the exact same way.
And some people never make it out of that loop. Or never take a positive step to make their life better because they may be scared or worried about being uncomfortable.
And Im not saying it is easy.
But at that point, being uncomfortable was my whole life. So I thought it over and decided there needed to just keep pushing forward. As uncomfortable or scary as it was going to be - I knew I had done it in moments of my life before, so I hoped I would have the courage to do it again.
So coming back to school for the spring semester (my last full semester), I have started a new diet, a new physical regime while working to keep my physical fitness in check, I cut out coffee and alcohol and brought in much more water and much more sparking water (lol that ones a thanks to Pyl’s).
I worked on bettering my skin and nourishing my body in healthy but natural ways. And I began to mediate once in the morning and once each night. It was a lot of small steps toward a bigger goal of working to bring myself to my full potential. But it doesn’t go without saying there were still several moments over fall, Thanksgiving, and Christmas break where I complained to some of my family and friends that I wasn’t doing well again. But slowly I realized
“wait.. you have been here before, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.” “You have seen uncomfortable situations and you have come out on top and come out stronger.”
I knew I had been in horribly uncomfortable situations before, and yet I got through it - for better or worse. So as spring semester began of my final college year, I decided to keep on bettering myself in any ways that I could. Across all aspects of my life. Whether it be diet changes like (sadly) taking a break from caffeine/sugar/carbs, or additions to my relationships like paying more compliments to people and listening more.
And overall working to fully accept that it’s ok to fall down sometimes. And that my body, my mood, and my confidence are all a work in progress. And to keep telling myself that good things will follow.
I am learning every day that sometimes I’m going to be uncomfortable or find myself in super uncomfortable situations.
But that’s acceptable and should be looked at in certain situations as exceptional.
Because becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable will save you. It will heal you. It will bring you a softer heart and a stronger mind. It may help others struggling around you. It will bring about positive change.
It will help you be you.
This post was greatly Inspired by Luvvie Ajayi:
https://youtu.be/QijH4UAqGD8
Speaker Luvvie Ajayi, starts her talk with a domino analogy. She states that one has to start the process, fall down, or spark something - for the rest to follow suit. She goes on to say how in order to promote change and ignite a beautiful world - you must "get comfortable with being uncomfortable."
The (cheesy) story behind the tat
During the summer of my freshmen year, I went to Seattle to nanny for my Moms friend Leila. They lived in this nice home in the woods and the weather was always this like perfect 60 degrees during the entire time I was there. The boys always slept in (the youngest went to daycare), so I often had the early mornings to myself. I could grab a cup of hot coffee and sit outside on the porch swing, to take in the dawn. I had more time to read and write, but mostly just time to go over my thoughts. I loved it.
I have always had wild rushing thoughts for as long as I can remember. I think a lot of people do. So to be able to write some stuff down was really refreshing. It can often be hard to describe how you’re truly feeling, even if you do try to write your swirling thoughts down on paper.
As I sat there with the sunrise, one thought kept coming up. And the more I thought about it the more I realized I had been battling for many months an intense sadness, yet it was one that I often pushed away because I didn’t think it meant anything. However, when my thoughts often brought me back to situations in how I had acted throughout my freshman year of college - a sort of darkness kept creeping up as a possible answer to a lot of my feelings and actions during those situations. So I decided to write down some of what I was feeling - into my very first blog post on this site, titled “Thoughts on mental health.”
Many of my posts over the years since then have related to some aspects of mental health - but this was because I found that putting these feelings and ideas I had about these things into words, could help me (and hopefully others) to better understand such complicated and complex issues. And to help ease some of the intense pain that I was feeling.. all that time.
Since that post, I never knew how much bigger, longer, more tiring, and more difficult my battles would turn out to be. Little did I know that the years following that post, would give me many things that would completely disrupt my world. Things like dealing with the suicide of a dear friend, eating disorders, depression disorders, anxiety disorders, suicidal thoughts, loss of friendships, addiction, falling in and out of love, alcoholism, self harm, sexual assaults, drugs, rapes, extreme emotional abuse, sexual health issues, grief, death, life, light, happiness, politics, news, disabilities, realizations, travels, wonders - and so much more. I may not have personally experienced all of these things, but I did have some relation to them in one way or another. College is of course a place of great learning and education, but it was also a time a lot of people could fall into darkness, vices, mistakes, and madness. It was and is often times a huge learning experience for so many people. But I know the scary parts, like some of those things I listed, are often the ones no one wants to talk about.
BUT, to turn a drab post back around to good post - my point is that we had to learn to look up from these things. Life has given us (and me!) so much to be thankful for. So with that, we must learn to keep looking up.
Learn it up. Give it up. Live it up and Love it up.
To bring it wayy back to that first blog post I wrote about mental health back in 2016, I remember I ended it with that mantra. Up & Up. An idea that has not disappeared, but serves as a reminder,
falling down and rising up is part of the life process.
- so now almost 4 years later I got the balloon to prove “up” is fortunately possible. A small reminder that when life gets you down in whatever way -
Remember to think up.
& up
& up.
Edit: When discussing with a friend recently even more meaning behind the "hot air balloon" mantra - I remembered another metaphor I kept thinking back to. A hot air balloon cannot rise into the sky without a fire. It needs a fire to spark it to life and fill it up and bring it back high into the sky. My friend pointed out something along the lines of "hey thats kinda like you Bells!" And she was right. Right in the idea that like the Balloon, I too have a fire and a passion in my heart. And no matter how low or down I can get, I don't let that passion leave me. Its very reassuring and something I'll always remember.
The Handmaid's Tale
and why it is SO important
and why it is SO important
(P.S. credibility for me FINALLY watching this show goes to Annster ur woke meter be off the charts these days my dude)
But all jokes aside, this show is not only incredibly timely and relevant, it is important to remember that it holds content and context that has been relevant but often overlooked for years. According to Senior scientist Virginia Vitzthum*, every single thing recorded in the show involving women, is something that either is, or has already happened in history. Everything. Which in itself is shocking but also sort of not that surprising at the same time. Women, as a gender and population, have been oppressed in several situations within history and culture, for as long as we can remember. This is nothing new. However, with the Handmaid’s Tale, these issues regarding women's reproductive health and their right to their births and bodies, is an idea that though has been a hot topic issue for forever, is one that once again is extremely prevalent in today’s political climate.
In short summary: The Handmaid's Tale is a story that focuses on the the dystopian country and government of Gilead, where ultimately men rule over the women in every way and over the choices they make. That main choice and the shows premise? Women being childbearers - but not what in a way you would expect. Childbearers that have no freedom, DO NOT get to choose whether or not they want to get pregnant and have children, and when they are impregnated by force (Rape. This is rape), they DO NOT get to keep their children And in this society if they are to go against any of this, they have the rule of law and religion thrown in their face and they are punished beyond belief in horrendous ways (whether that be extreme physically inflicted pain or psychological punishments.) It's not only super uncomfortable to watch, but also you can’t help but cringe (especially being a women) because of the sense that it's still all a little too familiar. Men forcing women to do things they don’t want to? Women having their choices taken away and neglected in large numbers?
How surprising.
Can’t believe it.
Unheard of.
And sarcasm aside, the Handmaids Tale as a TV show basically takes these huge fears for a women (rape, an overruling misogynistic society, assault, self image/body issues, psychological trauma etc.) it takes these fears and turns them into a reality. But the part that truly affects me is how timely it is for my generation and as well as for women worldwide. For us college girls, statistically, 1 in 4 of us will be sexually assaulted in our 4 years at a university. And the numbers of assaults amongst girls (and boys too hello!) These results have only been worsening.
And for overall society? We know women not having equal rights and opportunities has been an issue for as long as we can remember (What's good women not being able to vote for over 100 years after men, women being extremely sexualized in media (still today), women in 3rd world countries becoming child brides (still today), women not being afforded equal living and educational opportunities as men (girls can’t go to school, women in Saudi couldn’t drive etc.) (still today), GENDER PAY GAP (still today) etc.
(I can go on but that’s for another day.)
But for US women today, being able to make a choice about what happens to their bodies not only through sexual health but through reproductive health as well - how, where, and what to do when making these choices is still being argued over by MEN. And the people in the higher courts making these decisions are all MEN (and a lot of older men too which is just weird and gross if I sit down and think about it for too long.) The Handmaid’s Tale brings this and so many issues to life.
Side note: Though not related so much to women's reproductive health, the Handmaid's Tale takes the idea of child and mother separation and brings it back to light as well. We already know there are still over 240 migrant kids in custody away from their parents. This whole fiasco though being overshadowed by the Kavanaugh hearing is still also super important. -- But relating back to Handmaid's Tale, June (Offred) and her daughters relationship becomes a very dynamic and important relationship throughout the show. June's daughter, who was born prior to the rise of the Republic of Gilead, was separated from her parents after the regime came to power. Much later on (ok ps spoilers ahead if ur still planning to watch this which u 100p should) But anyways much later on down the road they become reunited face to face. And her daughter becomes frightened, as she fails to remember who she is. The scene is extremely heart-wrenching as June chokes on tears trying to reach out to her daughter and promising her that it really is her mommy June. And you're left with another pit in your stomach because you’re like wow this is so sickening who could ever do this and how would it feel if your child forgot their own mother. And then the pit in your stomach grows larger as you remember, oh wait how could this happen, It already has! I saw only a few weeks ago a video of a small crying boy hiding and shying away from his own mother after they are reunited after being seperated at the border and held apart for months. And the mother cries out and yells in spanish “Si, soy yo!” “Soy yo” “es tu mama!”
(Yes it is me” “its me” “It is your mama”)
The entire interaction in both the handmaids tale, and when I viewed it happen amongst families at the US/Mexico detention centers, was so so saddening to me. You sit in your own life bubble and don’t even really think things like this can happen to ordinary people. People without choice.
But ok to finish up on Handmaid's Tale. Women have taken this show and the major symbols it entails, and they have mobilized. Over the past several months we have seen an influx in women wearing the red cloaks and the white bonnets covering their faces. Sometimes they will stand with signs but mostly it is just a group of them, silent and stagnant so as to prove their point. Silent protests of women take over the nation
and we have never seen anything like it.
The Handmaid protests aren’t limited to Washington, D.C. either. They have sprung up during women’s rights rallies throughout the U.S. as well as other countries like Ireland and Argentina. Says “Handmaid’s Tale” star Madeline Brewer, “When you see women wearing red robes in the street protesting someone who wants to literally take every woman’s bodily autonomy away from them.
“that’s why we do it.”
And so as sexual assault allegations and the movements surrounding them continue to arise for Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh, the Red cloaked “handmaids” are and will come forth in full force. And are not willing to step back anytime soon.
Though the Handmaid's tale is a show about a “dystopian world” its signs and symbols are way too familiar. We see so many similarities to things happening in our political climate now. These tragic things that have been happening to and for women for so long (and are still continuing to happen) is the reason a show like this is that much more important and serves a strong purpose to its audience. It teaches us how wrong this mistreatment of women is, and it shows why because of this, it has become a huge symbol of protest and significance for women everywhere.
http://the-handmaids-tale.wikia.com/wiki/Offred%27s_Daughter
https://variety.com/2018/tv/news/handmaids-tale-costumes-protests-resistance-metoo-1202954906/
* Dr. Virginia Vitzthum's research focuses on women's reproductive functioning and how it differs between individuals and across populations around the world.* (https://kinseyinstitute.org/about/profiles/vvitzthum.php )
World Mental Health Day
Several past blog posts have actually touched on this topic.
So if you want extensive info make sure to scroll down and visit those.
However, today is October 10th , 2018. Today is world mental health day.
It is a day where we must recognize those with mental health illnesses
- illnesses that do not have a specific race, ethnicity, region, religion,
or otherwise. They do not have a face. WORLD mental health day means
we must work to dissolve the terrifying numbers of humans
we are losing as a result of these disorders, around the world.
In the world today, 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness.
1 in 3 will experience depression (and depression is the leading disability worldwide)
And Generalized Anxiety Disorder ( this different from experiencing anxiety)
affects 6.8 million adults worldwide. (*GAD very often co-occurs with major depression disorders)
I display these numbers because depression and anxiety are the 2
most prevalent world mental health issues, however, it doesn’t make the
many other disorders and illnesses any less important).
Mental health and mental health issues are something
that not only affect the entire world, but will also affect your world.
There is a huge chance that you will know someone in your
life that suffers from mental illness.
And so, whether or not you experience a disorder or you
know someone who does - take steps to take care.
Take care of your own health. But don’t forget about those around you.
A good friend once told me:
You are a bucket filled with water. And there is a world of people carrying their own buckets
around you with different amounts of water. You may give your water
to others who need it. However, if your own bucket is empty, you then can’t give
water to others.
You must take care of yourself, so that you can take care of others.
World Mental Health Day.
Suicide Hotline - 1-800-273-8255
Sexual Assault Crisis Hotline - 1-800-656-4673
Bloomington Hospital: (812) 353-5252 // 911
Beaumont Hospital: 248-898-5000 // 911
Detroit Hospital:313-745-3000 // 911
ME: 248-292-9896
National Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-448-4663
National Hotline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
(If your depression is leading to suicidal thoughts, call the
National Hotline to connect with a depression treatment center in your area.)
-National Institute of Mental Health.
- Anxiety and Depression Association
Several past blog posts have actually touched on this topic.
So if you want extensive info make sure to scroll down and visit those.
However, today is October 10th , 2018. Today is world mental health day.
It is a day where we must recognize those with mental health illnesses
- illnesses that do not have a specific race, ethnicity, region, religion,
or otherwise. They do not have a face. WORLD mental health day means
we must work to dissolve the terrifying numbers of humans
we are losing as a result of these disorders, around the world.
In the world today, 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness.
1 in 3 will experience depression (and depression is the leading disability worldwide)
And Generalized Anxiety Disorder ( this different from experiencing anxiety)
affects 6.8 million adults worldwide. (*GAD very often co-occurs with major depression disorders)
I display these numbers because depression and anxiety are the 2
most prevalent world mental health issues, however, it doesn’t make the
many other disorders and illnesses any less important).
Mental health and mental health issues are something
that not only affect the entire world, but will also affect your world.
There is a huge chance that you will know someone in your
life that suffers from mental illness.
And so, whether or not you experience a disorder or you
know someone who does - take steps to take care.
Take care of your own health. But don’t forget about those around you.
A good friend once told me:
You are a bucket filled with water. And there is a world of people carrying their own buckets
around you with different amounts of water. You may give your water
to others who need it. However, if your own bucket is empty, you then can’t give
water to others.
You must take care of yourself, so that you can take care of others.
World Mental Health Day.
Suicide Hotline - 1-800-273-8255
Sexual Assault Crisis Hotline - 1-800-656-4673
Bloomington Hospital: (812) 353-5252 // 911
Beaumont Hospital: 248-898-5000 // 911
Detroit Hospital:313-745-3000 // 911
ME: 248-292-9896
National Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-448-4663
National Hotline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
(If your depression is leading to suicidal thoughts, call the
National Hotline to connect with a depression treatment center in your area.)
-National Institute of Mental Health.
- Anxiety and Depression Association
Hey you! Take Action !
I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed as of late. With days upon days of
children being torn from their parents
To blacks & hispanics being tormented and unfairly hurt or killed.
To a women’s choice being abruptly compromised due to new legislation
that limits her options.
To funding for environmental resources, ecosystems, and animals being neglected
and removed
To the US drawing itself from the Human Rights Council
To the Muslim ban being reinstated
ALL while coming after weeks of school shootings left and right.
All of this leaves it to become so incredibly easy for me
to fall into the trap of letting myself think that there is no hope left.
However, we must remember the triumphs.
Children and teens alike are getting more involved in politics
and working to bring about positive change.
Women are continuing to stand up for their rights to their private bodies.
Families all over the country have been donating to families that have been separated.
And we have seen support all over the US for LQBTQ+ pride.
And this is only the beginning...
Through the tragedies we must remember the triumphs.
I can be excited about art and music and culture BUT at the same time be horrified by current events.
I can care about homeless US citizens, veterans, and children BUT also care about refugees and immigrants.
I can love my country AND want it to be a more kind, more equal place.
Together we can move forward
(I urge you to please read on on all the ways that you can get involved!! )
Action - Ways you can vote & ways you can help.
I believe we can move toward better ideals for this country.
We must not stay silent or complacent.
We will rise.
1) VOTE. VOTE. VOTE.
When the time comes for your area or district, show up and out to vote.
Call or text your senators or congressmen (at 504-09) and write to them
about which legislative pieces you support.
For Michigan:
State Primary -- August 7th, 2018
State general election -- November 16th, 2018
For Indiana:
State Primary/ General Election
November 6th, General election Day
(If you need information on deadlines visit your state government websites)
Text P2P to RTVOTE (788-683) to make sure you’re registered to vote!
Other impactful organizations to get involved in or donate --
!!!!!!!!
https://www.endfamilyseparation.us
https://blacklivesmatter.com/take-action/donate/
Planned Parenthood
ACLU nationwide
Humans Rights first
Environmental Defense Fund
Flint Water Fund
March for Our Lives
Women's March
International Fund for Animal Welfare
Support Kind
United We Dream
2. Take action
Sign petitions
Join letter writing campaigns
Join campus action networks
Attend town halls and councils
Educate yourself(!) (aka read credible news sources not just Twitter/Facebook)
Attend peaceful protests/marches
Take part in local organizations.
Charities and funds that protect the welfare and humanity of the citizens in your city.
Make your voice heard.
Enough is Enough
Mass shootings must end.
My heart aches today. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to look at anyone. And It has taken all my strength not to completely break down in public. I’ve been trying very hard to figure out how to write or phrase all the different emotions words and feelings that need to be shared.
8 American teens. With hopes and goals and dreams. dead. Gone because of a country that won’t step into action to protect them. Dead even though a few weeks before they were protesting the Stoneman Douglas Shooting saying #EnoughIsEnough. Today now marks the 22nd shooting in America of 2018. This CANNOT go on. These families deserve better. These kids deserve better! They deserve to go to school to learn and create and work to make the world a better place. Not to work out a plan of escape in their head in case someone tries to kill them.
A reporter asked a A Sante Fe student who lost her friend today
“how are you handling this unexpected tragedy?”
“It wasn’t unexpected... because I always sort of kinda thought it would eventually be us”
Please! To Congress and to the administration - we don’t want your thoughts and prayers. We want you to sit down and write legislation that will help fix this epidemic. We want to live in a world where it’s safe to go into school.
Enough is enough
My heart aches today. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to look at anyone. And It has taken all my strength not to completely break down in public. I’ve been trying very hard to figure out how to write or phrase all the different emotions words and feelings that need to be shared.
8 American teens. With hopes and goals and dreams. dead. Gone because of a country that won’t step into action to protect them. Dead even though a few weeks before they were protesting the Stoneman Douglas Shooting saying #EnoughIsEnough. Today now marks the 22nd shooting in America of 2018. This CANNOT go on. These families deserve better. These kids deserve better! They deserve to go to school to learn and create and work to make the world a better place. Not to work out a plan of escape in their head in case someone tries to kill them.
A reporter asked a A Sante Fe student who lost her friend today
“how are you handling this unexpected tragedy?”
“It wasn’t unexpected... because I always sort of kinda thought it would eventually be us”
Please! To Congress and to the administration - we don’t want your thoughts and prayers. We want you to sit down and write legislation that will help fix this epidemic. We want to live in a world where it’s safe to go into school.
Enough is enough
I SHOULD STAY
Disclaimer (This is a complete opinion piece don’t @ me)
I was urged to start writing this post due to recent life experiences of my own as well as political discussions with my peers. A long heated discussion came up amongst me and my friends about what it means to live in America but more specifically to grow up in America. As we talked, our views of our country grew more and more pessimistic. We don’t want our children to grow up here. We want to move away. Children are changing. Our country is changing. And with and to all those remarks - why are we so upset? How could we believe this?
We as children, teens, adolescents of the United states feel as if our lives are not being taken seriously in terms of what has happened in our schools in past years. One of my friends stated that to him it was no argument. A child is shot point blank and falls to the floor in front of his 10 year old friend - how can you argue that your right to bear arms is more important than a child’s (and at this point multiple children's) lives. The argument that we want to ban guns is over said,
yes there is a small population that may want all guns banned sure,
but most democrat’s just want legislation. Gun CONTROL not gun BANNING.
We understand our rights. We are not stupid. Many think the liberal youth will strictly rest our ideals on emotion, but I put a lot of thought into things. These children are standing up for what they believe in and being so eloquent while they do it. Being the adults in these situations since the adults around them never could.
It gets to a point where it becomes a moral issue not a political issue. Many many political arguments could have proper points on both sides - but this is a child's life we are talking about. And I think the reason we are angry is because this has not happened once or twice. 7 weeks into the year of 2018 there was 8 school shootings resulting in injury or death. These numbers are wild no matter what way you look at it. But ok before I could go on for another 7 paragraphs, this post is not just about gun control.
However it WAS a catalyst for further conversation amongst me and friends.
(Also side note: not that it matters but this discussion was held among people with right AND left views and we still all agreed with one another.)
We don’t want to raise our kids in a country where their lives won’t be taken seriously by their government, president, and country. The fact that money and greed (we don’t see past the contributions to politicians given by the NRA) constantly outweighs even the idea of looking into legislation to fix these shootings-in-schools is a huge problem.
Further but separately we went on to remark that the children we know of today are growing up BEYOND fast. They have phones, Ipads, and other incredible amounts of technology at a very very young age. When we were younger we went outside, we played with simple toys, we adventured - today’s kids are worried to an extreme amount about their looks at a young age - and know too much about cynicism and pessimism at too young of an age.
These opinions were even more validated for me when I got back from another country that functioned completely different. As some of my loyal followers may know, I recently got back from visiting Costa Rica. I was astonished to learn that every man women and child spoke 1, 2,3 languages or more. I was surprised to hear that kids there learn other subjects in english besides just the english language. They drill it into the kids to learn it as they grow. I didn’t get my first taste of Spanish until the 5th grade and even at that point it was still sort of optional whether we learned it/took it seriously or not.
Further, the children and people there seemed so much less stressed, worried - they seemed free. They weren’t on a fast paced, strict, and constantly moving schedule. Or worried as much about money or the economy or social justice.
The adolescents especially. We learned from adults there and from hearing from Leo (the 11 year old we be-friended there) that for fun the children would climb trees, hike the woods, surf on the beach, bike around the town. There was no mention of going to the movies or sitting on their phones. They partook in such natural growth, whereas in America the children have concerted cultivation (A+ for me using terms I learned in class - but they apply).
Concerted cultivation meaning that we have everything planned for us. We go to our piano lessons and our tennis practice and we have an entire schedule planned out for us.
Disclaimer: this is not to say that I didn’t love my own childhood.
A. I was one of the last generations to actually go outside and play with toys and
B. my parents didn’t do the whole sit in front of the tv for 2 hours in the morning watching cartoons thing (thankfully).
Sure I missed out on some fun childhood shows or music but I honestly feel as if my independence and love for the world and culture and nature skyrocketed.
But back to me and my friends discussion. We took a step back and evaluated other countries we’d been to and studied - and we agreed that the children grew up differently there. They weren’t as affected by the wild political climate. (and ok we know that America is the land of the free etc. and obviously there are countries much worse off like Saudi Arabia or something and we didn’t ignore that)
but comparatively we still recognized that children grew up free in a different way in several countries.
Learning about culture and heritage early and languages and ideas and to explore and go outside and not sit on their Ipad.
Here children are all so pessimistic about school from a young age (yes this is mostly probably because we had to get up at 6am every day)
yet it reminded me of the children in Costa Rica we talked too who climbed coconut trees to cut coconuts down, stick a straw in them, and sell them to tourists to PAY for their OWN schooling. They want to go and learn they don’t HATE it as we often hear from US kids now.
Another friend mentioned that he was scared to raise a child in fear they would be made fun of for him having 2 dads.
“I want to go somewhere where we aren’t seen as lesser in society but instead welcomed.”
For me personally, I want my little boy and girl to love their country like I once did. But the more I learn the more I realize I may not want to raise them here. I want them to feel as if their lives are protected in their schools and that their views are represented. Where my hispanic daughter doesn’t have to fear about being seen as lesser in the workplace. Or as a woman, so extremely scared to walk home alone. Or her African American friend taught so young that society sees her as different or less. Or her muslim or Mexican friend being told to “go home.”
(I saw a sign yesterday on my campus that said “punish a muslim, beat a muslim. -- I have a African American best friend - who read in the news today that a boy her age was shot for 0 reason.
I have a gay best friend, who said when he walks downtown he still gets jeered at for holding hands with another male -- (aka (This. is. Still. happening.)
I don't want to have to explain to them why we spend thousands and thousands on the military to fight fight fight and kill even when it may not be necessary, but yet we won’t pay our teachers or give money to schools for children to learn and grow. Or even some money to health care, which should be a human right for all. Social programs have worked in other countries -- so why not here?
And yes I know other countries have social problems. I understand that - but you don’t hear it being such a newsworthy issue in other places as much as you do in the US.
And yea maybe it is because our current president and his administration are provoking it and yea maybe it will cool down in a few years when he’s out. Maybe I am being ungrateful for the things my country has given me.
Yet here me and my friends are.
Several pessimistic adolescents finding so many issues with being/living here. Why do we believe like this? Why do we think and feel this way?
All in all several us remarked that unless America made some changes to its culture, its social structure, and its political climate/legislation - the US was looking less like the land of the free and more like the land of the extremely cultivated (aka we’re taught to think we’re truly free and the BEST country there is).
Maybe all the things I mentioned above happen in Africa, or the Netherlands, or Costa Rica, or Finland, or Canada, or Mexico. Maybe they do. But I am not hearing about them half as much as we do here.
I want my kids to feel free. To enjoy the nature and world around them. To love every single human being no matter what. But I don’t know if that’ll happen here. I don’t know what will happen here if things don't change. If children’s literal lives have become the pawn in a political argument.
I don't know if
I should or should not, stay.
Disclaimer (This is a complete opinion piece don’t @ me)
I was urged to start writing this post due to recent life experiences of my own as well as political discussions with my peers. A long heated discussion came up amongst me and my friends about what it means to live in America but more specifically to grow up in America. As we talked, our views of our country grew more and more pessimistic. We don’t want our children to grow up here. We want to move away. Children are changing. Our country is changing. And with and to all those remarks - why are we so upset? How could we believe this?
We as children, teens, adolescents of the United states feel as if our lives are not being taken seriously in terms of what has happened in our schools in past years. One of my friends stated that to him it was no argument. A child is shot point blank and falls to the floor in front of his 10 year old friend - how can you argue that your right to bear arms is more important than a child’s (and at this point multiple children's) lives. The argument that we want to ban guns is over said,
yes there is a small population that may want all guns banned sure,
but most democrat’s just want legislation. Gun CONTROL not gun BANNING.
We understand our rights. We are not stupid. Many think the liberal youth will strictly rest our ideals on emotion, but I put a lot of thought into things. These children are standing up for what they believe in and being so eloquent while they do it. Being the adults in these situations since the adults around them never could.
It gets to a point where it becomes a moral issue not a political issue. Many many political arguments could have proper points on both sides - but this is a child's life we are talking about. And I think the reason we are angry is because this has not happened once or twice. 7 weeks into the year of 2018 there was 8 school shootings resulting in injury or death. These numbers are wild no matter what way you look at it. But ok before I could go on for another 7 paragraphs, this post is not just about gun control.
However it WAS a catalyst for further conversation amongst me and friends.
(Also side note: not that it matters but this discussion was held among people with right AND left views and we still all agreed with one another.)
We don’t want to raise our kids in a country where their lives won’t be taken seriously by their government, president, and country. The fact that money and greed (we don’t see past the contributions to politicians given by the NRA) constantly outweighs even the idea of looking into legislation to fix these shootings-in-schools is a huge problem.
Further but separately we went on to remark that the children we know of today are growing up BEYOND fast. They have phones, Ipads, and other incredible amounts of technology at a very very young age. When we were younger we went outside, we played with simple toys, we adventured - today’s kids are worried to an extreme amount about their looks at a young age - and know too much about cynicism and pessimism at too young of an age.
These opinions were even more validated for me when I got back from another country that functioned completely different. As some of my loyal followers may know, I recently got back from visiting Costa Rica. I was astonished to learn that every man women and child spoke 1, 2,3 languages or more. I was surprised to hear that kids there learn other subjects in english besides just the english language. They drill it into the kids to learn it as they grow. I didn’t get my first taste of Spanish until the 5th grade and even at that point it was still sort of optional whether we learned it/took it seriously or not.
Further, the children and people there seemed so much less stressed, worried - they seemed free. They weren’t on a fast paced, strict, and constantly moving schedule. Or worried as much about money or the economy or social justice.
The adolescents especially. We learned from adults there and from hearing from Leo (the 11 year old we be-friended there) that for fun the children would climb trees, hike the woods, surf on the beach, bike around the town. There was no mention of going to the movies or sitting on their phones. They partook in such natural growth, whereas in America the children have concerted cultivation (A+ for me using terms I learned in class - but they apply).
Concerted cultivation meaning that we have everything planned for us. We go to our piano lessons and our tennis practice and we have an entire schedule planned out for us.
Disclaimer: this is not to say that I didn’t love my own childhood.
A. I was one of the last generations to actually go outside and play with toys and
B. my parents didn’t do the whole sit in front of the tv for 2 hours in the morning watching cartoons thing (thankfully).
Sure I missed out on some fun childhood shows or music but I honestly feel as if my independence and love for the world and culture and nature skyrocketed.
But back to me and my friends discussion. We took a step back and evaluated other countries we’d been to and studied - and we agreed that the children grew up differently there. They weren’t as affected by the wild political climate. (and ok we know that America is the land of the free etc. and obviously there are countries much worse off like Saudi Arabia or something and we didn’t ignore that)
but comparatively we still recognized that children grew up free in a different way in several countries.
Learning about culture and heritage early and languages and ideas and to explore and go outside and not sit on their Ipad.
Here children are all so pessimistic about school from a young age (yes this is mostly probably because we had to get up at 6am every day)
yet it reminded me of the children in Costa Rica we talked too who climbed coconut trees to cut coconuts down, stick a straw in them, and sell them to tourists to PAY for their OWN schooling. They want to go and learn they don’t HATE it as we often hear from US kids now.
Another friend mentioned that he was scared to raise a child in fear they would be made fun of for him having 2 dads.
“I want to go somewhere where we aren’t seen as lesser in society but instead welcomed.”
For me personally, I want my little boy and girl to love their country like I once did. But the more I learn the more I realize I may not want to raise them here. I want them to feel as if their lives are protected in their schools and that their views are represented. Where my hispanic daughter doesn’t have to fear about being seen as lesser in the workplace. Or as a woman, so extremely scared to walk home alone. Or her African American friend taught so young that society sees her as different or less. Or her muslim or Mexican friend being told to “go home.”
(I saw a sign yesterday on my campus that said “punish a muslim, beat a muslim. -- I have a African American best friend - who read in the news today that a boy her age was shot for 0 reason.
I have a gay best friend, who said when he walks downtown he still gets jeered at for holding hands with another male -- (aka (This. is. Still. happening.)
I don't want to have to explain to them why we spend thousands and thousands on the military to fight fight fight and kill even when it may not be necessary, but yet we won’t pay our teachers or give money to schools for children to learn and grow. Or even some money to health care, which should be a human right for all. Social programs have worked in other countries -- so why not here?
And yes I know other countries have social problems. I understand that - but you don’t hear it being such a newsworthy issue in other places as much as you do in the US.
And yea maybe it is because our current president and his administration are provoking it and yea maybe it will cool down in a few years when he’s out. Maybe I am being ungrateful for the things my country has given me.
Yet here me and my friends are.
Several pessimistic adolescents finding so many issues with being/living here. Why do we believe like this? Why do we think and feel this way?
All in all several us remarked that unless America made some changes to its culture, its social structure, and its political climate/legislation - the US was looking less like the land of the free and more like the land of the extremely cultivated (aka we’re taught to think we’re truly free and the BEST country there is).
Maybe all the things I mentioned above happen in Africa, or the Netherlands, or Costa Rica, or Finland, or Canada, or Mexico. Maybe they do. But I am not hearing about them half as much as we do here.
I want my kids to feel free. To enjoy the nature and world around them. To love every single human being no matter what. But I don’t know if that’ll happen here. I don’t know what will happen here if things don't change. If children’s literal lives have become the pawn in a political argument.
I don't know if
I should or should not, stay.
"Failure is not an option"
The hole in her pants that has been bothering her all day becomes the least of her problems as she walks quick and fast to the nearest bus stop. She climbs on and immediately regrets it, for the overly-crowded stares and wet squeaking adds to the already sweaty palms she carries. She feels her fists start to clench. She knows she’ll be off the bus soon. She can’t help but get even more frustrated once the bus reaches her stop and people will not move or get out of her way. More stares as she aggressively yells “excuse me” to the tall duck-boot wearing college boys and monogram raincoated girls taking up her precious space. “No more busses” she thinks to herself.
She gets to french 250 and grabs a seat. She tries not to roll her eyes as she knows it’ll be another day of loud fast lecturing in a language that is so foreign to her.
1, 2, 3, 4, times the professor calls on her and she tries her hardest to answer correctly or at least somewhat correctly. She finds as class goes on, that her face is getting redder and redder.
“I can’t believe she keeps calling on me. Why.. me. Why. Me.”
Her brain loudly reflects. She knows the language is difficult and that surely several others in the class feel the same way - yet once again she narrows in on herself. Beating herself up mentally once again. Her self-esteem rolls down the hill and her heart rate goes up and up and up like a jet taking off in flight.
And when she is finally let out of class she can’t help but hold back stinging tears.
and yet she can’t stand the thought of feeling weak. Sensitive to something as small as getting things wrong in french class in comparison to the grand scheme of things. Yet that all too familiar feeling of failure clouds her once again.
And once it goes there, then it spirals. She then begins to think about her grade in the class. Her other classes and those grades. Her overall GPA. Graduating. Will she even make it. She doesn’t want to bother or talk to her friends about it, scared too much of the thought of what they’ll think of her. Scared of how they’ll think she's lazy or stupid.
And she begins to think it too - although her work ethic and tired body proves differently.
This idea of feeling like a failure comes and goes.
But when she does feels it, she really feels it. She feels almost as if life can’t go on with her in it. And wonders why so many small bumps or failures happen everyday in our lives.
A small raindrop for most, that will soon dry away.
Yet for her, she turns small raindrops into perilous downpours.
“I am a failure.”
“But worse, we are fail when we think just that. That we are "failures.”
Failure IS an option she must learn. But so is success.
Few failures are needed,
so that in the end many more successes will follow.
That A word.
(for even more: see https://themighty.com/2017/04/anxiety-habits/)
You feel your bones crushing. You feel like the ceiling is falling in on you. The symbols and words and advertisements displayed all over the walls of the morning bus jumble up and look semi-blurry. When you step off the bus and start to walk toward your next destination - that’s when the tunnel vision kicks in. You walk in a straight line because that's all your eyes can see. Sometimes it's so bad you feel like your peripheral vision is escaping you and you feel as if you’ll hit a tree branch or another person even though they are nowhere in sight. It's your stupid mind playing tricks on you again. You continue throughout your day but shapes and normal things seem so out of place. You feel as if your heart may never slow down. You CONSTANTLY feel as if people are looking at, judging, or gawking at you.
And there’s that ping in your neck again. The one you have felt in stressful situations for as long as you can remember. Even as a child. It comes and goes but when it's there you feel as if for 15 deadly seconds someone is plunging a huge knife into the veins of your neck. It feels like death. This neck throbbing is so painful and noticeable, that you have to stop what you are doing in that moment for a minute to just breathe.
You welcome again the constant sweatiness accompanied by your shaky hands. Sometimes getting so bad that you have to put down your pencil and breathe for a moment. Not to mention pounding headaches are your closest companion.
You will continue to be irritable at almost anything. Moments of intense irritability will come and go. Sometimes you are so angry that you just get up and leave the class you’re in.
You walk quickly to a calm place, so you don’t feel the urge to hurt or harm the next person you see.
And It doesn’t stop there.
You bite your nails and skin until they bleed and sting. You check and recheck small things in your home life and in your work. You have moments where you MUST be alone.
And then, to pair all of this with something like major depressive disorder. Well sometimes you feel like your head may explode. You welcome the all too well panic attack. Heart thumping. Heavy breathing. Crying. Rocking. Shaking. The list goes on and on..
And you’ll stumble home. You try to get the strength to get in the shower, where even that seems like a burden. And you’ll sit and let the hot water soak your face like the heavy rain that clouded the past few days. And when you're out you’ll glance towards the foggy mirror and see your sad red face. Black eye makeup smudged and fingers smudged from the long steaming shower.
And when at long last you climb into bed after yet another up and down sort of day - yet, you prepare yourself for a sleepless night ahead. Thoughts swirl and run through your head. A constant worry, the fact you forgot to do something. Stupid things. Pointless thoughts. You play soft music on your speaker because you think maybe the slow lyrics will take your mind off the endless thoughts. And if you’re lucky and you finally fall into sleep it's not without the dreams. In them - you’ll have worries over weird, yet normal life things. Not being chased by a monster or falling off a cliff or any other basic nightmare. No instead your brain conjuring up multiple worries of things you have no need to worry about. And it is just you moving quickly through the dream in your mind, as if it were a giant made-up checklist and you get antsy worrying you won’t finish everything on it before the time runs out. This is not a rare occurrence either, each night it's something new. And when your eyes do finally open at 4am, 5am, 6am
You awake and within minutes are distracted and start to think about the next thing. So you take a breathe. Muster up every amount of energy and effort in your body to get out of bed. You try to breathe. You look to the 5 different lists on your phone and written in your notebook and computer. You try to calm yourself down. You force your brain to search for anything to take your mind away from the chaos.
And you try to just breathe.
*** This is a physical, emotional, and mental depiction of what I go through for days at a time living with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), This disorder requires a medical diagnosis and is not to be confused with "feeling anxious" or "having stress" ***
( When I found out about this disorder, to top off my MDD, I can’t deny I wasn’t heartbroken)
All those years of my childhood when we went to Disney - I would begin crying from stomach pains and headaches before we entered the gates because of my nervousness and excitement. Or the times I would scream whenever my family went to Rainforest cafe and the waitresses would start to clap and sing for someone’s birthday. These outbursts in my childhood were early signs of heavy social anxieties. All throughout my teen years, I would be the first at sleepovers to rush to bed - rather than stay up and be social with friends. And today, at a college party or family event - if it gets to be too much noise or excitement, I have to hide away by myself so as to not lash out or get angry with guests or friends.
This is yet another one of those things in life that is very often undermined and misunderstood. So as I always say - Stay informed. Stay aware. And work to help anyone you know living with GAD, to help take their mind off things (pun intended). The difference of your help and understanding as well as that extra push for them, is and will be so noticed.
Them as a beneficiary and you as an advocate --- together. Together it will help you both move mountains.
Thoughts on University Greek Life
Because I don’t sleep often at night, instead my mind floods with thoughts, Not always regrets or worries - but also just lots of overthinking in general. Should I have done something different. Should I have said something else.
And often times, it’ll be about me. What can I do differently, how can I reevaluate how I will handle a tough situation if it ever comes up again. Or, in this case, what do I really think or how do I really feel when a controversy comes up.
If you don’t go to my university, you probably haven’t heard that our school’s greek charters were recently put on social probation. This sort of came as a “follow-suit” move after several other universities did the same, with some (like Florida State) suspending greek life indefinitely. With other big ten schools like UofM suspending their greek life for the rest of the school year - they (IFC, NPC) were hoping, I think, to send a message to the greek community to get their acts together so that they could remain instituted on campus. So when the news came of Indiana’s 3 month suspension, the student body was of course in an uproar. If you were a part of greek life, not in greek life, students, faculty, everyone sort of had something to say about it. Greek life is a very large part of the Indiana campus - with frat castles reigning tall, right next to or across from campus and student buildings. The suspension came, at least I think, too sort of send a message to frats about their various behaviors. Behaviors such as binge drinking, trashing things, violence and hazing, copious amounts of drugs, and more.
-Further, with IU fraternities in particular, this year already there have been several rape and sexual assaults reported, with the university failing to do anything about it or even report about it for weeks and months. Which in my eyes is unacceptable. So, this move on behalf of the IFC/NPC (this move was sadly not made by the university itself), was in in my opinion sort of a good one to make.
So. What are my other thoughts? Well I was quick to share a sarcastic post about the news on my Facebook. But then, as I was laying in bed and actually thinking about it later, I then started to think of all the news in a different way.
I know on my end, I do often get very angry when people generalize me into a group or as being a certain way. It's sort of an insult to my independence and individuality. I don't like being put in a box. (and for me the best example I can think of is of course a political example. So when people will say “all liberals” think this or that - I hate being generalized that way when it's not true. Everyone has a different opinion or sense of individuality about them.
Not all men in fraternities are bad.
Not all frat boys are rapists who put drugs in girls drinks.
I did go to frats my freshmen and sophomore years of college and I won't deny that I liked going. I do enjoy the apparel I wear in honor of my friends in various fraternities/sororities. It's fun to go along with things like that. It is fun to feel as if you're apart of something bigger, even when you’re not. I have dear dear guy friends in frats, and they’re not bad people. They're smart, friendly individuals who care about their families and their friends.
And so..we can’t generalize. It's not fair to blame such a large group of people, for the horrible mistakes of only a percentage of that group.
Yes, I do think frats parties can often have a sticky, gross, and weird environment. And yes greek life to me is sort of a way to continue the “popularity contest” stemming from high school and continuing through into college. We’re here to learn as a first priority and I do often think that concept gets lost. But I also need to remember that it's wrong of me to hate on greek life all the time when I once enjoyed it at a different time in my life.
Did the IFC make a good decision in suspending social greek life? In my opinion yes. Sometimes a drastic call or decision has to be done in order to get a message across.
But, do we need to stop generalizing all men in fraternities as being horrible beer-bonging assholes? 100% yes.
And there's my overall probably super irrelevant 2 cents.
The Battle Rages On
|
Disclaimer: this post has been resting in the archives as it was originally written back in July 2017 (with edits here and there) but wasn’t posted until now what with my busy life and getting settled back into school/extracurriculars/work etc.
However, I still felt that it to be a very (sad) but important part of my life. Hence why I’ll share it now. I thought it could be a fitting time to post it for NSPW as well.
Not that this was any surprise to me personally, but as I left behind a disappointing sophomore school year and the eventual quiet summer streets of Bloomington and headed home for a month of what I hoped would be a break, I sort of dreaded it in a way. My mood and attitude began decreasing very dramatically in the early spring months, and since I didn’t have any know or how to fix it - I was sort of stuck again. Days were long and boring, and nights were pretty miserable and restless. Of course I hate to be one to complain, especially now that I’ve known about my illness for awhile - so I would try my very best to do things that took my mind off my depression or at least thinking about my depression. I ordered a hammock off amazon and began to hang it between tree’s at the park or in the front yard. I would go out and lay in it for hours and listen to music. I would write. And when I wasn’t listening to music or writing. I would sleep. June and July days couldn’t go by without a nap - I was so drained of energy that I felt that I needed them daily.
As the day’s went on I knew the only way I could even seek to get better was to get more help than I had already gotten. It was a super long process, talking to specialists and doctors about my symptoms and my anxiety and at one point even getting blood work done so they could test my stress and sleep levels etc. etc.
As restless days raged on with appointment after appointment, I would find myself sitting and trying to convince or explain to myself over and over that I wasn’t crazy, I COULDN’T be crazy. That there were hopefully other people that felt the same way as I had been feeling.
“You haunted me, through my stinging nights and aching days.” -P.
It was a very tough, very exhausting experience, probably more so because it was one I had already been through before.
I would be so incredibly rude and mean even sometimes lashing out harshly at family and friends (then I would lay awake at night feeling horrible about it later).
I would be so tired and restless, that I wouldn’t want to do anything during the warm summer days. A simple task would make me even more tired. Nothing really seemed important anymore or ever. I began to lose a lot of care for people I once loved hearing from or spending time with. I begin to push almost every single thing or person away.
And If something were to upset me, it really upset me. It was as if nothing was ever a minor annoyance but instead a major aggravation. I had a very tough time trying to control almost all of my emotions.
And so while those around me enjoyed the simple pleasures of summer - ice cream on a hot day, a swim in the lake with friends, or a beautiful setting sun- all of it to me was a grey blur of almost nothing.
I tried so incredibly hard to find joy in things, but it was almost impossible. And it took so much energy to even give a laugh or a smile.
Even when my 20th birthday came around in early July, I had 0 excitement for it or for thought of the new year ahead. As the July summer days dragged on, my sleeping and eating habits reached terrible highs and lows. I often found myself making terrible jokes about how I would be fine with drowning or throwing myself in front of a car. But in a way I was serious. That's how dark my mind had begun to feel again.
There were times of such darkness that I almost couldn’t bear it. I wanted to disappear. I hated my brain for thinking the way it constantly did. I began to feel less like a person and more like a burden.
My mind, soul, heart - day by day, felt numb. I wanted it all to end.
My mind went to a dark dark space. Like the spaces it had been in late august and early September.
(Trigger warning: tough content ahead)
Like they were that night in September 2016, when I had to pace and keep myself busy. Keep myself occupied so I wouldn’t grab for the painkillers again for the 8th or 9th time. As I fell into bed that night in September, with stinging tears and heavy breaths, I didn’t even know it was possible to feel this dark. My mind had clouded my judgement so heavily, I didn’t even feel like I had anyone to call. Anyone who cared. As I looked up at the string of purple lights hanging from my window, which had began to look blurry in my eyes, I had the urge to pull them down and wrap them tightly around my neck. I wanted it to be over. All the heavy pain I had felt I needed it to end.
I felt incredibly alone.
What was my reasoning for staying alive? At that time I don’t know. Now as the days go on slowly, and I push harder and harder -I’m so glad Im still here.
Because 14 days later, the realization hit me like a huge pile of bricks. I felt like I was in a movie, feeling the actual repercussions of losing a friend to suicide. I’ll never get over how eye-opening all of it was. I laid on the hospital floor that day of September 23rd after hearing the news, and collapsed in tears. Mad at myself for thinking the way I had, and even more mad at the world for taking my friend.
So what now?
I hope to see life's beauty in each new day brought to me. As the 1 year anniversary of my friends death approaches, I keep the orange sunsets in mind. I know he is watching over us. I learned so much from a tragedy. And I am still learning even today and every day.
“Never underestimate suffering you cannot comprehend or understand” -Anon
This strange chemical imbalance in one's brain will always be such an unexplainable thing to many. But for me, writing about it sort of helps me in a way to have an easier time accepting it. It has been such a large part of my everyday life for the past 4 or so years. Getting acclimated back into school and my junior year, it has been very tough exhausting and stressful. (Yo girl has never been good with adjustments in general).
But I’ll say it before and i’ll say it thousands more times - I and others are there for anyone feeling the way I do, or others have, or Adrian had.
You are not alone.
And I know I am not alone.
Yes the battle will rage on.
I'm still depressed. I still sometimes get the urge to harm myself. I still get down.
But I know there’s more out there. More to life. More to everything. The story is only beginning.
I know that even when my heart and body feels so small, I know I can work to remain tall and strong.
I need to stay here to prove that people CAN and WILL make it.
We can prevent it. This confusing disease. And continue to.
Suicide Hotline - 1-800-273-8255
Sexual Assault Crisis Hotline - 1-800-656-4673
Bloomington Hospital: (812) 353-5252 // 911
Beaumont Hospital: 248-898-5000 // 911
Detroit Hospital:313-745-3000 // 911
ME: 248-292-9896
However, I still felt that it to be a very (sad) but important part of my life. Hence why I’ll share it now. I thought it could be a fitting time to post it for NSPW as well.
Not that this was any surprise to me personally, but as I left behind a disappointing sophomore school year and the eventual quiet summer streets of Bloomington and headed home for a month of what I hoped would be a break, I sort of dreaded it in a way. My mood and attitude began decreasing very dramatically in the early spring months, and since I didn’t have any know or how to fix it - I was sort of stuck again. Days were long and boring, and nights were pretty miserable and restless. Of course I hate to be one to complain, especially now that I’ve known about my illness for awhile - so I would try my very best to do things that took my mind off my depression or at least thinking about my depression. I ordered a hammock off amazon and began to hang it between tree’s at the park or in the front yard. I would go out and lay in it for hours and listen to music. I would write. And when I wasn’t listening to music or writing. I would sleep. June and July days couldn’t go by without a nap - I was so drained of energy that I felt that I needed them daily.
As the day’s went on I knew the only way I could even seek to get better was to get more help than I had already gotten. It was a super long process, talking to specialists and doctors about my symptoms and my anxiety and at one point even getting blood work done so they could test my stress and sleep levels etc. etc.
As restless days raged on with appointment after appointment, I would find myself sitting and trying to convince or explain to myself over and over that I wasn’t crazy, I COULDN’T be crazy. That there were hopefully other people that felt the same way as I had been feeling.
“You haunted me, through my stinging nights and aching days.” -P.
It was a very tough, very exhausting experience, probably more so because it was one I had already been through before.
I would be so incredibly rude and mean even sometimes lashing out harshly at family and friends (then I would lay awake at night feeling horrible about it later).
I would be so tired and restless, that I wouldn’t want to do anything during the warm summer days. A simple task would make me even more tired. Nothing really seemed important anymore or ever. I began to lose a lot of care for people I once loved hearing from or spending time with. I begin to push almost every single thing or person away.
And If something were to upset me, it really upset me. It was as if nothing was ever a minor annoyance but instead a major aggravation. I had a very tough time trying to control almost all of my emotions.
And so while those around me enjoyed the simple pleasures of summer - ice cream on a hot day, a swim in the lake with friends, or a beautiful setting sun- all of it to me was a grey blur of almost nothing.
I tried so incredibly hard to find joy in things, but it was almost impossible. And it took so much energy to even give a laugh or a smile.
Even when my 20th birthday came around in early July, I had 0 excitement for it or for thought of the new year ahead. As the July summer days dragged on, my sleeping and eating habits reached terrible highs and lows. I often found myself making terrible jokes about how I would be fine with drowning or throwing myself in front of a car. But in a way I was serious. That's how dark my mind had begun to feel again.
There were times of such darkness that I almost couldn’t bear it. I wanted to disappear. I hated my brain for thinking the way it constantly did. I began to feel less like a person and more like a burden.
My mind, soul, heart - day by day, felt numb. I wanted it all to end.
My mind went to a dark dark space. Like the spaces it had been in late august and early September.
(Trigger warning: tough content ahead)
Like they were that night in September 2016, when I had to pace and keep myself busy. Keep myself occupied so I wouldn’t grab for the painkillers again for the 8th or 9th time. As I fell into bed that night in September, with stinging tears and heavy breaths, I didn’t even know it was possible to feel this dark. My mind had clouded my judgement so heavily, I didn’t even feel like I had anyone to call. Anyone who cared. As I looked up at the string of purple lights hanging from my window, which had began to look blurry in my eyes, I had the urge to pull them down and wrap them tightly around my neck. I wanted it to be over. All the heavy pain I had felt I needed it to end.
I felt incredibly alone.
What was my reasoning for staying alive? At that time I don’t know. Now as the days go on slowly, and I push harder and harder -I’m so glad Im still here.
Because 14 days later, the realization hit me like a huge pile of bricks. I felt like I was in a movie, feeling the actual repercussions of losing a friend to suicide. I’ll never get over how eye-opening all of it was. I laid on the hospital floor that day of September 23rd after hearing the news, and collapsed in tears. Mad at myself for thinking the way I had, and even more mad at the world for taking my friend.
So what now?
I hope to see life's beauty in each new day brought to me. As the 1 year anniversary of my friends death approaches, I keep the orange sunsets in mind. I know he is watching over us. I learned so much from a tragedy. And I am still learning even today and every day.
“Never underestimate suffering you cannot comprehend or understand” -Anon
This strange chemical imbalance in one's brain will always be such an unexplainable thing to many. But for me, writing about it sort of helps me in a way to have an easier time accepting it. It has been such a large part of my everyday life for the past 4 or so years. Getting acclimated back into school and my junior year, it has been very tough exhausting and stressful. (Yo girl has never been good with adjustments in general).
But I’ll say it before and i’ll say it thousands more times - I and others are there for anyone feeling the way I do, or others have, or Adrian had.
You are not alone.
And I know I am not alone.
Yes the battle will rage on.
I'm still depressed. I still sometimes get the urge to harm myself. I still get down.
But I know there’s more out there. More to life. More to everything. The story is only beginning.
I know that even when my heart and body feels so small, I know I can work to remain tall and strong.
I need to stay here to prove that people CAN and WILL make it.
We can prevent it. This confusing disease. And continue to.
Suicide Hotline - 1-800-273-8255
Sexual Assault Crisis Hotline - 1-800-656-4673
Bloomington Hospital: (812) 353-5252 // 911
Beaumont Hospital: 248-898-5000 // 911
Detroit Hospital:313-745-3000 // 911
ME: 248-292-9896
Daca
- why its important and what to do next
Some people may not see DACA as a major issue right now. What with all the horrible weather we’ve been having…
(sorry to break it to you but Climate Change is indeed real - and I could write an entire post on just that…) I don’t wish to lessen the impact of these horrific disasters.
Yet, I wanted to take a moment to discuss not even just DACA and what it entails but also just our crappy immigration policies in general.
But first, what is DACA.
DACA stands for Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals -
Mainly this idea that under this act, children who were not born in the US but came here at a very young age, have the right to stay here and work (which ps 90% of DACA dreamers are employed). There are around 700,000 people that are DACAs.
The prob? Trump plans to “phase it out” and not allow these people to re-apply etc.
I’ll let you do your own research on the rest of it, because I think people need to stay personally informed.
(I repeat.. PLEASE STAY INFORMED!!)
I’ll admit I, at first, did not know all of the details. So when I received an email from the La Casa house on campus about a discussion they were going to have with guest speaker, immigration attorney Christine Popp - I made sure I set aside time that night to go listen, learn and hear more about it. I wanted to learn the most I could.
When I arrived with my roommate Hannah, the room was full of color. I saw students from China, Mexico, India, and others with various Native, Hispanic, African, and Chinese backgrounds.
My very first feeling was a sort of guilt at first. I sat wishing this wasn’t only the 2nd time in my 3 years setting foot in La Casa. I always wish I had more time to learn about my own culture and heritage but I never prioritized it. I am so glad I came to participate though. I left my comfort zone to hear the stories of my fellow hispanic students (or my true fam as I like to call them)
And though I am only half Mexican - my grandfather is still an immigrant. So I have this somewhat personal connection to the issue. The students were culturally beautiful, and the conversation that lasted almost 2 hours was interesting, vibrant, informative, and truly eye-opening.
And as you could’ve probably guessed, leaving the La Casa house behind and setting home in the rain, I was engulfed by emotion. Mostly confusion and immense sadness. I called my mom and she told me the Destroying of DACA was just a political move by Trump that many politicians were still against and that I shouldn’t worry. And I know she is partially right, however, that didn’t change the fact that these poor students not only have to deal with the many stressors of college itself, but now have to worry about whether or not legislation will pass that keeps them here, in THERE own country. We heard from a 20 year old girl who said she was worried about her siblings, because they were the next generation that could be affected if new immigration legislation were not to be passed. Another girl asked if she should marry soon, as a precaution.
And this is where my sadness kicked in. As i chatted with Hannah on the way home, getting teary eyed, I shouted
"Can you even imagine?!!"
Students I am often surrounded by, their biggest worry is what to wear to the frat party, or if the boy down the hall will text them back.
But this poor girl we heard from at La Casa has to worry if she should get married so she can stay working and living in our country. Is it far-fetched? Yes. Is it still a worry though? Also yes. This is what made me so sad. People go on living their lives without making themselves informed or stopping to put themselves in other people's shoes. This is was a huge moment of realization for me. And it was very hard for me to comprehend. And for the rest of the night I remained pretty distraught (what else is new).
These immigration policies have continually come up and continuously not been given proper attention or even proper anything. What started with the travel ban on muslims and is now continuing with DACA is to me this idea that people that basically aren’t white upper-middle class europeans don’t belong in this country. A country that was built on the foundations of we the people, ALL the people. A country technically built by immigrants and the Native Americans.
Does it make sense to kick these people, these CHILDREN who are working or studying - out because they don’t belong?
And you would have people saying, “Well you can’t care more than they do.” In response to me fighting and others fighting these issues.
But the thing is we do care. A LOT. I'm just there to care right alongside those affected by these changes in legislation. If circumstances had been a centimeter off, and my Abuelo Gutierrez would’ve had my father in Mexico, and then my father had moved here - he could've been in a very similar situation.
And so I ask you, PLEASE write or call your congressmen or even better
Text resist to 50409
And ole Resist-Bot will help you set up a letter that’ll send directly to your representative or congressman. Don’t sit around because you don’t care or because it doesn’t affect you personally because it does and should affect you. Because it is a human issue.
To me it's unjust and unfair. Immigrants are part of the foundation of this (already) great country.
I hope they are here to stay. I hope Trump can chill on undoing EVERYTHING Obama has set up to to help move this country forward. We don’t want to move backwards.
A little phony-
(Why too better connect, its OK to disconnect)
So if you haven’t heard the wonderful news, I’ve been without a phone for almost 2 months and though it's been difficult at times it's also been weirdly rewarding. I’m sure this is news to you, but my generation and I are way too dependent on our phones/technology. And this has become somewhat acceptable because of the day and age we’re in (and yea Im a little more ok with it than others because my future career depends more on media -- especially social media).
However, I still have noticed how much I and others are so dependent on it to a point where we couldn’t live or function without it. I mean yea some apps I’ll admit have been hard to be without (Spotify and Venmo surprisingly). But this is just a quick post about how it is 100% OK to take breaks.
(Disclaimer: promise I'm not here to say you should all throw away ur phones or go off the grid. But that its ok to take a small break because as I’ve learned from experience it can do a little bit of good.)
But Bella, What about the snapchat Dog-Ear’s filter?
I myself was a snapchat fiend (as most people know).
I was OBSESSED with it.
I had to capture everyone and everything which is so lame if I really think about it. I couldn’t just enjoy something without capturing it. And though I know I’ll probably go back to that eventually out of habit when I get my new phone, I still really appreciate that I was forced to take a break from it. I went all of memorial weekend and the weeks before without seeing anyone’s snapchats. I knew friends/peers were at their cabins up north or at the Indy 500 or whatever else their bad selves got up to - but somehow I missed all that hype. And I was highkey ok with it. I didn’t have to see the repetitiveness of it all, and I could just live my own life. I get it can be fun to see what your friends are doing, but it can sometimes make others jealous or give them the ever popular “FOMO”--which are 2 things we really don’t need more of.
Well at least not me.
“A vicious cycle”
We see people or things on our social medias, and we want them for ourselves. That’s how it works. Someone dresses a certain way we like, we WANT those clothes. Someone is on vacation or at a concert or a party, we HAVE to be there. Someone is skinnier or prettier than us, we WISH to be them. It’s very heartbreaking if I think too much into it. Because to young girls (and guys) like me and others all around the world, we begin to be almost controlled by social media. My very good friend Cam wrote an ode to this very recently - that seeing these things can affect our mental, physical, and emotional health. Stats came out this year that Instagram is the top application affecting teens mental health - and this to me made total sense. Even though I personally never got super affected by seeing other people on Instagram, I could see how it could affect people. Even though I always took pride in my instagram, and always told people I worked on shaping it for myself and not for others, it is not to say I haven't been a participant in the “I hope this post gets more likes than the last one” bandwagon. I know MANY of my peers have been there too (even if they don’t want to admit it). It can be detrimental to peoples health to feel the pressure to get the most likes or to be perfect on Instagram or other apps.
And to me the bigger point remains.
That we have so many other important things to worry/care about...
Look around you?
I got to spend my weeks walking places without blasting headphones. Instead listening to the morning construction, birds, nature, people. The sounds of the world. I’m not even trying to turn into the classic cheese ball - but it's true we miss these sounds! We miss what’s going on around us cuz we are staring into the deepest souls of our Iphones.
I am up north grabbing my phone to try and get service instead of enjoying my family and the pink hues of the setting sun. I am making sure I capture the moment instead of living it.
People start worrying when their friends don’t respond right away because we are so used to immediate responses. Are they dead? Are they ok? Are they off the grid?
Trust me I promise you they are doing the exact same shiz they always do they just don't have a phone there to capture it lol..
But in all seriousness, this is me calling on those (like me) who are a little too attached to their phone. Can’t go anywhere without it. Can’t go a day without checking it.
Though I myself am not completely nomadic. I have a tablet and a laptop I’ll check occasionally. Im not completely disconnected. (and I'm not saying you have to be completely either.)
But when you or I are out maybe take a small break.
Enjoy life!
Take a hammock, go put it up in the trees overlooking the lake, relax, and breathe. Think about your mistakes. Think about your accomplishments. Trust me, you don’t even know how nice it is not having to deal with all the political crap Twitter yeets at me each day. The drama of someone spreading lies. The sometimes sad things going on in the news.
The pressure to Snap,
to like,
to post.
I’ve been without technology for a short while longer than my peers now.
And sure...who knows what i’ve missed out on.
But maybe they’ve missed out on a lot more than me.
5/31/17
Year in Review part 2
// Life Update
As I leave my last shift at Mcnutt Quad, I see tons of parents swarming campus and girls in there srat sweatshirts red faced from crying and hugging each other goodbye, and a smirk crosses my face. (lol ok I guess I can’t completely make fun of them cuz that was kinda me last year too I guess). Freshmen turn in their ID cards and keys, and pack their belongings to head back home. Whats Bella up too? she’s staying behind for a few to complete credits and work..BUT this post is still relevant cuz its a new semester and a lot of my friends left for home and we get a couple months off ( AND I GET A BREAK FROM ALL U LOSERZZ) jk. (lol I wrote this last week and now i'm coming back to it but it's still relevant).
As my sophomore year of college comes to a close, some friends say goodbye, others leave without a trace. Campus clears out and now as I sit in the campus Starbucks, it's kind of an uneasy feeling as a small coffee shop once filled with students cramming for exams, is now almost empty if not for a few elders and faculty working on summer plans.
Though Indiana is my home and I know for a fact I’ll miss it when the time comes, I miss my Michigan home and have a little bit of FOMO as each of my friends from Bham get to head home and be with family and high school friends. But I know the time will eventually come for me - and theres a fun summer that lies ahead:)
But anyways for this post I suppose we could take a nice look back on this year as a whole.
What was my sophomore year of college u ask?
I still don’t even know myself but i'm going to attempt to sum her up as best as a I possibly can.
For starters, I got to live in my first ever house on campus. However disgusting it was, 508 North provided us so many fun gatherings, good times, and walls to keep me warm.
However, with the house came responsibilities. We had to figure out how to pay rent and utilities for the first time and they were all over the place. (lol sorry Mia and Al -- I know this was not their fave when I would call them and ask things like “so how do you pay bills again”)
“Poopgate” as some of my friends have heard about, still gives me nightmares-when not one but both of our toilets clogged up and the upstairs one flooded. Our lives flashed before our eyes as we had to stop Niagara falls from flooding our entire upstairs (that was an interesting one).
Bugs, spiders, friendly neighborhood Raccoons, vandalism, noise complaints, rowdy neighbors, spills, messes, a broken window -- the list goes on. But you could say old 508 North held her ground. and I’ll def miss her.
And I wouldn’t // couldn’t have done it without my 2 compadres (Annie and Leigh)
I don’t know where to even begin in thanking them for taking on the wreckage that was 508 north this year with me. But what a home it was.
August 2016 was off to the races, as my parents/Mo helped us move in, we dove into classes, toured the brand new media school, started seeing old friends, musicals at the auditorium and as September came rounding the corner the fall days began to fill with tailgates and new friends.
However, the end of September was gray, when we dealt with the loss our good pal Adrian. We’re all desperately still missing him and the b6 heart now has a band-aid over its missing piece.
With that and me getting diagnosed a couple weeks b4 that officially with PDD, it seemed as if this was gunna be a bumpy year from the start. The year from there on out, was just a little more Grey for me though, as I was lucky enough to have fabulous friends to help me along the way.
October was very monotone for the most part, but November brought Thanksgiving, family, pretty leaves, apple pie, and hot cider.
December we celebrated fun birthdays and holidays (Shouts to Annie & Michael welcome to the funny 20s) and experienced a snow covered Bloomington. I finally got to see Athena back from school (who is completely thriving at UofA btw - lol go wildcats).
The fast moving train didn’t stop and January graced me with road trips to Western Michigan and Indianapolis. February through April brought old friends to Bloomington - we got a trip from Sean himself and many a trip from Cam (my lover), February also brought me the fabulous Independent Council + new great girlfriends (plus my first ever formal where me and Eric had much fun dancing to Kevin Lyttle lol tbt)
Also in February I got to go home for a quick weekend to see a concert, and then in March I got to swing across the US with my grandma for Spring Break traveling from Richmond Virginia all the way to New York City.
I finished off the year in April with trips from the Broncos (Dom & his friends) who visited for Quals weekend and my beautiful Talie who came for Little 5 weekend.
And then ended the year crying for finals and here we are. So much happened this year.
Wanna know what else happened? How bout I just give you the "short" list..
Things I did in the 2016-2017 school year:
Moved into my first home
Saw the brand new media school
Showed Annie the IU art museum for the first time
Danced on the porch with Giana
Went to the first tailgate of the year with Leigh
Met Matt Woolf and Friends
Saw Rent with Jeremy, Leigh, and Jesse
Went to May’s garden and picked out plants with Leigh
Sent a lantern into the sky for Adrian
Brought my siblings to a frat (?)
Got Dom his first hoosier Haystack at B-town Diner
Showed the family my pride & joy (the media school)
Showed Cam and Chris the rooftop view of Bloomington from 207
Took a crunchy late night pic with Eric on the Square
Danced in the gossip girl loft with Lily and Friends
Joined the Suicide Awareness walk for Adrian
Went home to Michigan for the weekend
Walked Frio up Beverly hill
Took Leigh to the Franklin Cider Mill
Went to Dinner with my mom and dad in Mexican Town
Visited Michigan State with Leigh and Jackson
Ran into Jaclyn at Coldstone along with Chris - (guess he goes there now.. idk??)
Went to an IU basketball game in the new Assembly Hall
Went to Notre Dame with Leigh + her Fam
Finally met THEE Peter Lucido at Notre Dame which was so cool
Saw FABULOUS Ted-Talks with Hannah at the IU auditorium
Met and chatted w/ actor Jesse Eisenberg! (pics to prove it)
Studied in Franklin Hall (times 1 million)
Got lunch with Annie at Potbelly (times 1 million)
Had a caramel iced coffee from $bux (times 2498325285982359832)
Went to the Hickory Wood Fire Tower// hiking with Leigh, Han, Jackie, and Annie
Attended a political panel in the media school
Saw new art exhibits at the art museum with Han
Drove to Michigan for Thanksgiving
Got my hair cut a whole lot shorter
Jumped in newly raked leaf piles with the Pylvainen-Young kids<3
Saw White Christmas at the Auditorium with Annie and Leigh
Saw Straight No Chaser at the Auditorium with Leigh
Celebrated Annie and Michaels birthday
Held little puppies at the Bloomington mall
Went home for a family Christmas <3
Decorated the xmas tree with Dom
Went to an early xmas brunch with family
Got lunch with Mehak
Got a visit from Santa<3
Watched High school musical with Cam & Chris Tower at Jacksons
Rang in the New Year at Jackson’s house
Visited Frankenmuth with family
Visited University of Michigan with Cam&Ella
Got Lunch with fam in Detroit
Went to the DIA and new Detroit stores with Dom, Jacky, Athena, and Andrew
Drove back to Bloomington with Jackson
Started a Crunchy Radio Show with Han
Cried my eyes out as I watched Election results unfold in our living room
Had a very depressing week cuz of the Election
Brainstormed ways to move to Canada or Finland
Visited Dom at Western Michigan
Got to see Ella and Emily at WMU
Attended the International Woman's sister March in Indianapolis with Han and Dyl
Signed my lease for a new apartment next year
Went to a USA themed party at Lizzies+friends
Got into way to many political fights on Facebook
Had a high school musical themed party
Started work at McNutt and met awesome co-workers
Went hiking at Griffy lake with Cam, Annie, and Hannah
Became the Public Relations chair for She The First
Went to a Planned Parenthood Protest
Had a Bee-movie themed party ??
Blogged (a lot)
Cried (also a lot)
Had a visit from my wife (aka Juliana)
Took Juliana to the IU art museum
Took my Grandma to Runcible spoon for breakfast
Took my grandma to TIS where she bought out the whole store
Road-tripped with Ashley and Juliana
Saw my favorite band in the world (YTG) in Grand Rapids
Joined Independent Council for women!
Met Kyra & Gwen and so many other independent, amazing, badass women;))
Danced the night away with Eric and Friends at formal
(Finally) visited Richmond VA
Toured Richmond
Went to the church where Patrick Henry gave his “Give me Liberty or Give me Death” speech
Toured to the White house of the Confederate in Richmond
Ate at Black Sheep and proceeded to take a selfie with Kate Mara (nbd)
Went to the Richmond Museum of Fine Art
Ate at a cute upstairs Italian restaurant in Richmond
Drank coffee and snuggled with Borga
Drove to NYC
Saw the Brooklyn Bridge
Got diagnosed with Influenza in a New York City Hospital
Walked through Central park
Walked through Times Square
Shopped at Uniqlo
Went to the MOMA!
Had even more Italian food in a small diner in NYC
Drove home through the Mountains with Grandma
Did Cardio Hip Hop with my IC ladies
Dressed up as a Cheetah for the IC animal-themed house crawl
Went to Buffa-Louies with Dom, Kendra, Charlie
Took Kendra Fratting
Raised money for STF
Raised money for Front Row with IC
Saw La La Land at the IMU theatre
Saw Split at the IMU theatre
Saw Hidden Figures at the IMU theatre
Saw Octavia Spencer speak the next day at the IU auditorium
Went to a lit protest at Franklin hall
Helped work// chill at my first Culture Shock Music Festival
Saw Sales AND Noname perform Live
Picked up Talia from the airport
Reminisced at Forest with Talia and Cam
Partied with Ben Hirsch
Went to Dylan's art opening and cried at beautiful art
Went to the Men's Little 500 bike race!!!
Had one last dinner with Talia + b6
Got super sick(again) post Little 5
Got stressed out for Finals
Puked when they repealed Obamacare
Cried when I had to say bye to Michael & Annie & Jackson
Wrote one too many papers
Somehow made it through finals
ITS. BEEN. A. YEAR!!
(if I missed anything lmk)
My weird review of La La Land
a story that needed to be told
*Possible spoilers ahead
I Didn’t know to much about the film La La Land (directed by Damien Chazelle starring my boy Ryan Gos and the fabulous Emma Stone) beside the fact that it was a musical that won a ton of awards and a film that touched many yada yada. Most films touch me in general because I am a baby and a person who really feels things and I cry at almost every film whether it be action, horror, comedy, or my personal favorite - romantic comedy. Ooo. those are the ones that really get me.
I love me a good romantic comedy and this film was indeed that.
But it also wasn’t.
If that makes sense.
Yes I almost cried at times because literally perscription drug commercials and puppies and chalk on the sidewalk and a lot of other things make me cry these days because that's just how it is.
BUT the ending to this film really threw me and everyone at the IMU theatre for a loop.
YET…... It was a story that needed to be told.
Love SOMETIMES doesn’t go perfectly like everyone acts like it does. Life doesn’t always go as planned. SOMETIMES it takes a long long time for things to go a certain way or for personal dreams or goals to really come true. And mainstream hollywood films really and truly act like relationships are perfect and everyone is smiling and happy and life goes well all the time. But (though its hard for me to remember) I truly know that that's not the case. That's why people like me (girls with issues?) nah but just people who need romantic comedies to take me away from the realities and stresses of life - needed a film like this. To remind me that life is still… different. Even abnormal in a way.
Yes amazing dance numbers and all the funny quips from the two great characters, pretty settings/scenery/LA backdrop, and a beautiful soundtrack DID make the film all that much more romantic and cute and happy.
BUT the question remains is it really the reality we live in? and even though this was a musical with TONS of fantasy, it was also a realistic expectation of how relationships can go. To some, work comes before play. To some love isn’t important.
I, Bella, personally do believe dreams are important. And Love is SO SO important.
But things don’t always work out to the absolute best.
And though I am and always will be a dreamer - maybe this film is a wake up call to the people who dream but forget to live. Forget to realize. Forget to love. Forget to hurt. It shows us that life can go one way or go completely another,
and that's what a world of mainstream movie lovers (or maybe even musical lovers or oscar movie lovers or Ryan Gosling lovers)
And what us wild romantics - perhaps needed to see.
"Fake Love" ???
Hey guys I'm back and I honestly really thought my next post was going to be politics related. (shocker there) (and lol that one's still coming don't you worry) but instead for this post I wanted to take a different direction and just share my thoughts on something I’ve been thinking about for awhile now. This is in no way pointed or directed at anyone in particular. like really. It's just something that I have been more recently noticing and thinking about not only in my life but some of my friends lives as well.
Basically, it's just one aspect of this idea of what I think a true/good friend really is. Obviously there could be a lot of things that go into this and I know that. A good friend could be someone you enjoy spending time with, someone who has a similar personality, or someone who likes similar things as you and I get all that.
Simple right? Yea you would think. However, college and (in) college is the age of selfish. And this is very easy to see. People get caught up in them and their own lives and that is OK. I’ve talked about in past posts how I’'m all for independence and realizing self worth etc.
But to an extent.
If you are a people person like me that cares about people and YOUR friends
heres whats up.
I care about my friends and what they’re up to. And I think/ have noticed recently that this is a good aspect of a TRUE friend. Showing not only INTEREST but also RESPECT for the things your friends are not only into but are truly truly passionate about. Like yea when you see a friend you haven’t seen in awhile after you talk about yourself you say hmm.. Maybe I should ask things like:
“So how about you, how are you? How are you feeling”
But with closer “friends” and colleagues I feel as if it's more than that.
Go. further.
Ask about their interests and joys in life just because it's the right and compassionate thing to do as a good and TRUE friend.
Go. EVEN. further.
If they have gone out of their way to go to your events etc.
GO TO THEIRS. Show some interest.
I’ve noticed that people are so quick to shit on what their friends are into or interested in. Not only that but they’ll continually talk about themselves, their castle, their high horse, and all the greatness of their own life, but then never turn around and show love, care, or respect for the other person's passions or interests. I saw on twitter the other day a lovely tweet from a girl (by the name of Kait) saying something like:
“no offense but if one of your friends is excited about something and you make them feel stupid for being excited about it you’re the worse type of person.”
And so now of course I threw that boi a RT but like how could I not? That is so relevant!
A little girl named Bella who was excited about something dumb, but it didn't matter if it was dumb cuz it was important TO HER, but then someone was so quick to shut it down or make fun of it - and there went the passion and spark from my eyes.
Ok that's a cheesy example I know but sadly it's happened to me more than once.
So all I am saying is try to think about all the times your friend(s) have shown interest in, LISTENED TO YOU TALK ABOUT, and showed care in something you liked/were passionate about and TRY to reciprocate.
go on now. just try.
- and this is EVEN IF it was something you or I could care less about, still ask or show some interest because that's what a TRUE friend does.
In conclusion,
I, like everyone else AM NOT perfect and I get that. Bratty high school Bella was probably so so selfish and I look back and was probably disgusting and rude all the time and never cared about anyone but myself without realizing it.
and I realize that now.
However, I (and I hope you too) have thought about these words I'm saying/ blogging about and will continue to try and improve. I always try to remember to ask others how THEY are instead of delving into all about me. If friends from home call or if I run into an old friend on campus I remember to ask them about their jobs, their friends, their academics, their clubs, their WELL BEING in some variation and so on.
and I will continue to work at it.
And so here is obnoxious blogger Bells once again just moving you to maybe stop and think ;)
who knows... maybe you could potentially improve a friendship.
Poem for International Womens Day
“what i miss most is how you loved me. but what i didn't know was how you loved me had so much to do with the person i was. it was a reflection of everything i gave you. coming back to me. how did i not see that. how. did i sit here soaking in the idea that no one else would love me that way. when it was i that taught you. when it was i that showed you how to fill. the way i needed to be filled. how cruel i was to myself. giving you credit for my warmth simply because you had felt it. thinking it was you who gave me strength. wit. beauty. simply because you recognized it. as if i was already not these things before i met you. as if i did not remain all these things after you left.”
-Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey
Year in review
“If you’re reading this we made it”
" this was the year of just realizing things” -Kylie Jenner
When looking back at the year 2016 I don’t even know where to begin. How do I ever begin to cover everything that happened throughout this hectic year. But I guess I will attempt to touch on the big important things that happened. On the lows, the highs, and all the things I learned in 2016.
The All time Lows:
Always start with the bad news right? I will be the first to admit this was probably the worst year of my life. And before you turn away, I promise you this is not a pessimistic post.. I am enlightened from these trials and all the pain I endured. And Idk how, but I came out alive. While still learning A TON along the way.
So why such a bad year you ask? Well basically from the month of February all the way to November I was very down on myself. Energy and positivity levels were low, and I was angry with myself and with the world on the reg. I had a tough end of my freshmen school year (Feb-April) dealing with toxic people and my own personal issues. My 2016 summer was spent feeling even more down. In the beginning of September I was soon diagnosed with Dysthymia. Then, a couple weeks after that we lost Adrian. I’ve been thinking about him all the time since then, and I have never dealt with a tragedy as hard as this in my life until now. So it definitely threw me for a loop. I tried to handle this idea of death in the best way I could, but it was so so difficult (and still is). It was a dark dark time for me, and things happened in my life that I still have not told anyone, and that I myself have yet to comprehend.
But on my long drives back and forth from Detroit to Bloomington, I know the beautiful sunsets I see shining through the clouds is Adrian watching over us. I know he's smiling down on us.
but so yes even though I did spend the majority of my year a giant walking teardrop, I was able to not only learn about Suicide Awareness and Depression, But I personally was able to get help. And since then, my eyes have been a lot more open.
Mental Health aside, we lost so many amazing legends this year (artists, musicians, actors, authors - the list goes on.) Which yes adds to my reasoning for why this was a terrible year, but brings about this saying/simple idea that
life will go on.
What's left? We do our absolute best to remember these amazing people, their spirits, and preserve their life messages.
Lastly, you know being the political freak that I am, I feel as if our country (and our world) truly had some tough times this year. With constant Brutality, terrorism, school shootings, disasters, riots, and rage - all of the above gave a definite negative light to this year. Further, (I hate to mention it but I have to throw it in there) we lowkey elected a bully as our future president which just put the cherry on top of the poop sundae that was this year for me. However, tho I am all out of political rant fuel and I'm just tired at this point - (a very small) part of me still remains hopeful and optimistic that Trump will try his best to help us and do our country good.
But onto the good stuff:
Shoutout to 2016 for being crappy but also making me find out/learn so many things i didn't know about myself through the crappy things.
I learned how communication is the best possible thing. Actually talking to people whether it be about your or their problems, issues, opinions, life, the hard times, the good times - anything. It's worth it to communicate instead of shutting down or refusing to talk about things that really matter.
I learned not to care so much about what other people think. I go about my life being loud and singing and dancing in public places. And yeah ok maybe the High school kids or my sisters friends or the neighbors will give me weird looks, but I don't care. why? i'm happy. The first song I listened to in 2016 was “Better when Im dancing”(Meghan Trainor). And boy did I do a lot of dancing this year. And i’m not upset about it in the slightest. We must learn to not take things so seriously.
I really learned not to let small things bother me. Yes my sensitivity levels are jacked, but being in college I’ve really learned not to let little dumb things get to me.
I learned that though we are allowed to accept pain in our lives, we should continue to live and think more positively in our lives just as equally. Yes it's hard when my brain tells me to constantly feel angry or sad for dumb reasons or sometimes no reason at all. But I kno being kind or doing something nice for someone else will automatically make you feel better. All while remembering that your kindness is NOT your weakness. You can be the coolest, best looking, smartest, and most successful being alive...
but without being truly kind, integrity-HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS - you truly have nothing.
I learned that I am not defined by my past mistakes
I learned not to be so dependent on others or "an other". I am my own person and make my own choices/decision.
I learned in all and everything I do to find a peaceful balance.
As cheesy as it sounds you must live life to the fullest. Losing a close friend (especially one so young) this year, really put into perspective that we have this one life to live. So we must live everyday doing our best.
“Stop waiting for fridays, stop waiting for summer's, stop waiting for someone to fall in love with you, because those things will eventually happen. But in the meantime enjoy right now.”
Up&Up
Though this year was a rough ride, there was some good stops along the way. I got to be a nanny for 4 awesome kids in the suburbs of Seattle. Then I got explore and hike in the mountains. to see the beautiful North Cascades in all their glory. The fresh air and the gorgeous nature, I would have to say this was my favorite part of this year. I traveled a ton this summer, and got to see a lot of new and cool places. I hope to adventure even more in 2017.
It was a great year for sports. The olympics brought us cool new flips and tricks - with our own IU alumni bringing in the gold. The Cubs won the world series (shouts to my Chicago ppl), and it was a great year for IU sports as well. We dominated in Basketball (we beat Kentucky and North Carolina!) And we beat MSU in football this year which was a small but fun humblebrag moment for us.
Fam Bam glories: Tina graduated and now is flourishing at Arizona and Bianca got her license!
It was a grand year for women and for our country. Though we didn’t elect my fave, we got new laws past and women are moving towards better equality than ever before. We shattered tons of ceilings in the workforce, in politics, and just in everyday life which is super cool.
It was also an awesome year for movies and particularly music. Young the Giant, Chance the Rapper, Kanye, Beyonce, Drake, Zayn, Adele the list goes on.
My favorite album came out this year (ok technically last year but in December so it was so close enough to this year) Head Full of Dreams (Coldplay) and it was my Spotify most listened to album. It holds sad songs, but songs of memory, happiness, love, and my favorite message of all...
Up&Up.
"When you're in pain when you think you've had enough... don't ever give up"
That’s a wrap
This year left me with many good memories. I learned so much while being almost completely independent.
I moved into my first house and had a crazy semester with amazing friends.
(Special Thanks:)
Im thankful for my Leigh and my Annie for dealing with all my crap but also being my favorite beautiful girls. I don't know what I would've done without them.
My Heg and My Lizzie and all my other cute gal pals for teaching me love and grace and laughter and the true ideals of friendship.
Shouts to Jer and Collin and Eric and Jackson - my guy friends who gave me good advice (sometimes) and also just some good laughs.
To my transfer pals: (Talie and Chris and Syd and Sean - I miss ya'll pls come visit soon)
To someone I miss: my dear friend Adrian- thanks for proving and teaching me that love exists and will go on - even after our loved ones are gone.
My friends at home (Salon Cru- you know who you are) I'm so thankful for you and in love with you all
and my P-pals - you also know who you are I love u ladies with all my heart.)
My Mehak - love u more than you'll know.
My Gram/Abuelo plus all my cousins and aunts and uncles thanks for all the lessons and love.
And to my mom and dad who taught me so so much.
thankful for all of the above (if I missed anyone u chill u know I love you)
I met cool new people, learned a lot, got pretty good grades, all while being at my favorite beautiful school. I know I will look back and sort of laugh at the many blunders of this year (as I did for Freshmen year and senior year of high school alike).
I am a part of history, but I get to live it. I was a dreamer, a lover, a builder, and a learner.
“Love cannot be killed or swept aside. Fill our world with music, love, and pride.”
And the year of love it was. After all the personal battles and trials - I still have love to give and a small smile on my face.
I want to thank everyone that made this year the interesting year that it was.
2017 - bring it on ;)